Author Topic: Visits to a Grave  (Read 610 times)

Quillan OConnor

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Visits to a Grave
« on: February 08, 2014, 08:24:48 PM »
?I don?t know what I?m doing here. I haven?t visited in almost five years. It?s been just as long since you left me, since I saw you...

?Nevermind.

?Still, it?s been too long. I guess I feel kind of bad about that. But it?s not like I haven?t talked to you since then. I always talk to you, every day. I?m always thinking about you, wondering what you?d be thinking or doing or saying. I still imagine my life as if you?re here, still try to live it that way. It?s not that I?m crazy or anything, it?s just... it?s still so hard to believe that you?re gone.

?Kingsley is doing alright. Everyone is. We?re all still together, even Kil if you can believe it. We?re not all living in the same house anymore, of course. Don has his wife and kids and Brent?s got some apartment off by himself. He?s got a girlfriend, you know. Nice girl. A bit fiery but I couldn?t imagine him with anything different. I think you?d like her.

?We?ve been in Rhydin for four years now. Can you believe it? We?ve never spent that long in one place, not since we left home. It feels good but it?s been hard. It?s always hard.

?Even Kings has gotten a place of her own. Well, not completely. She?s rooming with another woman, Natasha. She?s... I don?t know how to explain her. She?s a little like Eris, Brent?s girl, but totally different at the same time. I wish I could explain it better.

?Natasha is a good woman though. Even Sai likes her. In fact, they?ve become something of an item. Don?t worry, Fallon knows. It?s complicated and, maybe you shouldn?t tell Fal but, I think that she?s good for him. ...Maybe you shouldn?t tell Sai either.

?But yeah, Kingsley is out on her own. I don?t know how I should feel about it. I?m trying to be happy for her, to encourage her. Everyone keeps telling me that?s what I?m supposed to do. But it?s hard. Really hard. How am I supposed to just let go of something that you fought so hard to protect?

?Yes, it?s because of you. Not that I?m blaming you or anything because, really... how could I? It?s just that you fought so hard for her, defended her like she was your own sister. You took care of her, we both did. When she was still little and no one else was around and we were out on our own, it was you and I who would be there for her. Remember when she used to cry at night? Before we had Sai take away all of those bad memories. We used to sit on her bed and hold her, whispering to her that we?d keep her safe until she fell back asleep. Do you remember that? No, of course you don?t...

?But I do. I remember what it was like, sitting next to you while Kingsley was curled up against your chest. That?s when I knew that I wanted to have children with you, you know. It was because you were so good to her, I knew that someday you would make a great father. But we never got to test that out, did we?

?God damn it, Brandon, why did you have to go??
[size=10:f534a09a9c][color=#336699:f534a09a9c]"Hey sister, do you still believe in love, I wonder?"[/size:f534a09a9c][/color:f534a09a9c]

Quillan OConnor

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Re: Visits to a Grave
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2014, 11:57:41 AM »
?Two visits in one week. That?s a new record.

?...I probably shouldn?t be so proud of that.

?I still remember that day perfectly, you know. The whole day, not just the night. It had been nice, having the family together for once. We had all be so scattered. A ?rough patch?, people would call it. It would have been perfect if Ma and Pa could have been there but, we all knew that couldn?t happen. But the rest of us were, trying to patch up the holes and rebuild things back to the way they were, all without actually saying anything about it. Kingsley was so oblivious. Sometimes, it can still make me laugh.

?It was fun, you know, pretending like we were still a family. We had just gotten married only about a year before, hadn?t we? But everyone had already accepted you long before that. I think they all knew that we were going to end up together before we did. Well, at least before me. I remember you used to always say that you knew from the beginning, the first time we met, that you were going to marry me. It?s still a little hard to believe you but now that you?re gone, I?m really trying.

?Is that weird, that I?m trying harder to believe you now? To believe that you knew, from the very start, that I was going to be your wife? Maybe, in a way, I knew it too. I was just too stubborn to believe it, too determined that we weren?t good enough for one another. I really don?t know why I played so hard to get. You were a good man, the best I had ever met. My father liked you, even my brothers liked you. I was just so preoccupied with being convinced that I was going to grow old alone, and of my own choice. But maybe I did know. Maybe I...

?...I don?t want to talk about this anymore.?
[size=10:f534a09a9c][color=#336699:f534a09a9c]"Hey sister, do you still believe in love, I wonder?"[/size:f534a09a9c][/color:f534a09a9c]

Quillan OConnor

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Re: Visits to a Grave
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2014, 08:11:32 PM »
?I almost didn?t come back.

?It?s not that I didn?t want to - that doesn?t really make any sense, does it? Okay, so I wanted to but I didn?t. Does that sound any better?

?This has been harder than I thought it would be. In all of the years you?ve been gone, I haven?t stood at your graveside since the day you went into the ground. Not that I really could of, running for all of this time, but I could have made the effort, could have made it back here, somehow, at least once.

?But I just couldn?t. I couldn?t bear to stand here, like I am now, talking to a slab of stone. It?s probably just as cold as your skin and I know it?s just as still. How can that be any comparison to when you were alive? Where?s the comfort in this that everyone promised me?

?I won?t lie to you. Sai?s the reason I?m here. We?ve both been having a hard time dealing with Kingsley leaving the house - for slightly different reasons, of course. But they?re similar enough that we can talk about it, console one another in some ways. But he?s been able to move on, to accept that Kings is growing up and that she needs to step out on her own. Me, on the other hand... Not that anyone knows, but I?ve haven?t handled it as well.

?So he told me that I should come to you, that it would be good for me to visit. I don?t see why - I already talk to you all the time. I?m just standing here in the cold instead, shivering and trying not to scowl because the grass had the gall to completely cover your grave. It makes it feel even more wrong that you?re dead and I?m still here. It forces it into my face, makes it all the more real.

?How is this suppose to help? While you?re laying in the ground, I?m left standing here, hoping that no one can hear me and that the rain hides my tears.

?I love you, Brandon, but this isn?t what I thought I was coming here for.?
[size=10:f534a09a9c][color=#336699:f534a09a9c]"Hey sister, do you still believe in love, I wonder?"[/size:f534a09a9c][/color:f534a09a9c]