Author Topic: Scientist Researches Ways to Project Breasts into Radio  (Read 119 times)

Darien Fenner

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Scientist Researches Ways to Project Breasts into Radio
« on: October 08, 2013, 02:03:37 PM »

[size=9]Amelia Enderwood: Satirist[/size]

Local Scientist Researches Ways to Project Seirichi?s Breasts into Radio Airwaves
October 8, 2013

*Despite escalating wars in neighboring star systems, mass casualty incidents in outlying RhyDin towns, and freak weather patterns rendering travel to and from RhyDin utterly inert, university trained physicist Gerald Moore claims the one thing keeping the city sane may soon extend to and benefit far more people.

According to a survey done by W.G.A.D. Weekly, the number one reason RhyDin residents elect to ignore the voices in their heads telling them to shove a fork into their mother-in-law?s carotid is Seirichi?s breasts, followed closely by hermit crabs as pets and time-shares. Moore, a PhD candidate at the University of Inglewood, recently made newsletter headlines by declaring his intent to transcend our current knowledge of physics and metaphysics, and essentially merge the concept of sight and sound. Moore?s abstract application, entitled The Fabrication of Theory has already earned widespread attention and extensive funding, by both nearby universities and research institutes and lovable local perverts.

?These breasts have really struck a chord with RhyDin citizens,? Moore stated in a press conference Monday. ?But their reach, however bouncy and squeezably voluptuous, is limited. I believe there is a subtheory in vortex-matter manipulation, and if I can just localize the correct variables, I can make Seirichi?s breasts available to everyone within earshot.?

With regard to his research team, Moore has selected Lyle Rutherford, nuclear astrophysicist of Cayton University and Lyle Laboratories from Sussex, Earth, as well as Fred Catton, playboy aficionado and self-declared boob expert.

In 2009, it was said Gemethyst?s cleavage forestalled an otherwise catastrophic alien invasion of RhyDin. At the stratospheric level her ample bust was clearly visible, and an entire fleet of Churan commandos was so enlightened and pleased by the sight that they called off the attack entirely and returned to their home world.

?I?m just a man who wants to help people,? said Moore in an interview Tuesday. ?Life will not be complete until I can see Seirichi?s firm, supple mounds with my ears. And? you know? everyone else in RhyDin will too.?

In related news, CEO of Roiler Industries Damon Villegaught has publicly expressed a desire to insure the RhyDin Rewind co-host?s breasts for eleven million credits.

[size=9]*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.[/size]