Author Topic: Ten Couples Who Will Inevitably Make an Adulterous Lovechild  (Read 121 times)

Darien Fenner

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Ten Couples Who Will Inevitably Make an Adulterous Lovechild
« on: September 27, 2013, 09:43:01 PM »

[size=9]Junior Columnist: Ashley Weatherl[/size]

Ten Couples Who Will Inevitably Make an Adulterous Lovechild (or Ought To)
September 27, 2013


Cove and Jonathan Granger
One word: HAIR. I met Jon Granger once and let me just say that brief, fleeting moment of silky, dark, angelic-smelling dreaminess could never have lasted long enough. Here?s hoping he never noticed the big ?ol chunk I took with me as a souvenir. What? Don?t judge me. It grows back. Cove?s locks will never match the wavy, well-sculpted perfection that uses Granger?s head as a pedestal, but if we recall they are just flippy and fun enough to merit one cute kid. No offense, Vicki. Emily Rose is utterly precious and will no doubt be a supermodel with those genes, but in terms of gingers, those dull, orange waves fall a little flat. A handsome, dark combination is just the ticket to jumpstart RhyDin?s gene pool. C?mon, boys. You owe it to the world to see what you could make together. And don?t give me any of that gender-constrained nonsense. This is RhyDin. I?ve seen an orc hook up with a unicorn and somehow make a cherub. No, I?m not exaggerating. And seeing as I am the genius behind this combination I am also not exaggerating when I say I will cut you if you don?t name it after me.

Luke Boudreaux and Wyheree
Luke is arguably the definition of the perfect man. Dreamy eyes, strong resolve, and an accent that quite frankly makes lady legs turn to jelly. He?s classy and loyal, and while we think he?s utterly PERFECT for Eless, pairing him with an equally classy and loyal lady is just the ticket. Wyh is classy in a different way, and that kid would pretty much be a modern day prince or princess. Can you imagine? Wyh?s platinum locks, perfect figure, lovely personality, and Luke?s tan skin and piercing green eyes? What a combination! I hereby claim this unborn child as mine. And no, it?s not weird because we?re still speaking hypothetically at this point. As in, if this hypothetically doesn?t happen, I may hypothetically harvest from DNA from both parties and hypothetically shake them up in a test tube to see what happens. Hypothetically.

Miranda Branson and Jacen
Opposites should attract! Miranda?s an utter sweetheart, and Jacen is a shameless demigod. While input from the gossip column says Miranda and Hochi have a decent (albeit bland) thing going on, they agree Miranda needs some SPICE in her life that is Jacen?s abs. I mean Jacen?s abs. I mean JACEN! And his abs. Jacen?s abs will combine with Miranda?s fiery mane and non-abs, and in doing so his ab-ness will make up for the lack of abs with more abs. Have we mentioned there will be abs involved? We think they should name their kid Abby.

Suliss?urn and Arts
STOP FIGHTING IT YOU TWO YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. Though this pair honestly isn?t the most attractive of them all (to each his own. If you men out there are into creepy crawly weirdos I won?t judge), a group of us here just wants them to hook up already to end the practically suffocating sexual tension that fills the room every time they?re together in the same place. You hear me, you two? JUST DO IT ALREADY. Then you can make a baby that Suliss will probably go and eat. Moving on.

Jesse and Anybody
This one makes the list only out of sheer, morbid curiosity. If someone did actually spend time long enough with Jesse without mortally wounding her (or themselves), is it even physically and geometrically feasible some psycho lovechild would be the product of that? We?re kind of leaning toward a more praying mantis type mentality in any potential relationships Jesse may engage in. You know? after the bed business is done (you're welcome for that image), there is some gnawing of the cranium and murdering involved (that one too). Actually, just thinking about Jesse doing anything remotely normal makes us feel squeamish and dirty all over. One sec. I need to go take a shower.

Colt Daniels and Thorn
Colt is damn good looking and entertaining enough to be able to land just about any gal in RhyDin, and Thorn pretty much has that going for her as well. The scandal of their union would make us salivate, but in the end we think they could just make each other happy. On good days both Colt and Thorn are a heck of a lot of fun and crippling fear of children aside (at least in Thorn?s case), we think they?ll make awesome parents and raise an absolute rarity in RhyDin: NORMAL children.

Alain DeMuer and Fio Helston
Oh yes, you two. Don?t think I don?t see what?s going on. I see you two talking all the time about business and what-not. As if I couldn?t see straight through that guise like clear water! These glasses aren?t just for show!  Those two are always all ?council? this and ?politics? that, but you just know one or the other is thinking about finagling the other?s jooblies. Yes, yes, both are happily paired up, we know. But hypothetically, RhyDin would pretty much explode if this spectacular super couple ever came to fruition. These two could take over the world and any other world in its vicinity. Seriously, what?s the hold up?

Ed Batten and Isuelt DeRomiano
Let me be clear: This adulterous affair can only take place after Ed Batten has wined and dined me to my heart?s content and bought me all the little things I like (Tahitian black pearls are hard to come by in RhyDin, you know?). And only AFTER this has transpired does he have my permission to have expensive and tasteful yet raunchy relations with Issy. These people have secrets. What?s more, their secrets have secrets. And we?re willing to bet they have a few secrets of their own that they share ? not that we know exactly what they are. That?s enough to spice up any relationship. Furthermore, Issy is pretty much the epitome of what is an empowered woman, and Ed Batten could buy, tinker with, and better the world if he felt bored enough. Need we explain more? Kid or no kid, some serious stuff would go down in RhyDin should these two ever hook up. Make it happen!

Harris D?Artainian and Rachael Douglas
JUST GET IT OVER WITH. All of this awkward mutual loathing is driving us crazy. At least if these two have a blue-haired, impassive adulterous lovedemon (yeah, right, like you could qualify that as a child), they would be forced to be civil to each other. I mean? they would, wouldn?t they? Call Harris whatever names you like but he?s pretty decent with kids, and chances are he might at least take a few seconds to cover the tot?s ears before he spews out profane names for Douglas. But follow our suicidal logic, here. Parental tension aside, we embrace this idea because we?re pretty sure the kid would be raised to ROCK at dueling. Harris would make for a great mentor (not to mention folks wanting to keep all their teeth wouldn't mess with his kid), and let?s face it: Douglas knows her stuff, is calculated, and methodical ? like Nayun, but much more independent and without weird, servile attachments to people.  Combine those two and you have the ingredients that just might hack it in the Outback. That kid might even net himself a diamond? that is, before Harris steals it and beats Rachael over the head with it.

Candy Hart and Matt Simon
What can we say? We love a super couple. Koy and Matt already pretty much take the cake in that department, but if we had to choose another chick for Simon to hook up with, it?d definitely be tough-as-nails, anything but sweet Candy Hart. Did you see the drama that unfolded between them when they held clashing Opals? You could just about crack out some weenies and marshmallows and roast them ringside with that kind of heat. And since we seem to be in the avenue of creating great duelists (swimmers? bodies can?t compare to what years of brawling on Styx will do), we hereby designate this superchild as D?Artainian and Douglas? kid?s archrival. Let the bloodbath begin!
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