[size=9]Amelia Enderwood: Satirist[/size]Area Man Offended by Katt Batten?s SmilingSeptember 4, ?
*After being served his third Jell-O shot at the Red Dragon Inn on Thursday evening, local ship captain Jason Wiles was allegedly brutally smiled at not once, but twice by employee of the establishment and drink slinger Katt Batten.
?I have never been so offended in my whole life,? commented an outraged Wiles to local law enforcement. ?She?s like that with everybody, and it?s absolutely disgusting!?
[size=9]Wiles, allegedly in the process of being offended.[/size]
Wiles later went on to claim Batten was projecting ?all the wrong ideas? by being so friendly with Red Dragon Inn customers.
?If she isn?t going to call me? uh? I mean them
back, then she needs to stop leading m-, I mean, them
on. Her behavior is just extremely offensive and she needs to clean up her act or get fired.?
Wiles went on to say that Batten?s provocative behavior was attracting the wrong kinds of people, and Inn owner Panther should not stand for it.
?Everything in that woman?s eyes reads outright liar and harlot. She needs to quit that flirting, or so help me??
Witnesses claim Wiles spent the remainder of the evening muttering near-incoherent profanities and staring dejectedly at his empty shot glass.
In the past, Wiles has allegedly been offended by a wide range of matters, including Badsider prices, poor air quality, and that weird cowlick Locke D?Vestavio?s hair gets sometimes.
Watch officers in the nearest precinct are currently looking into the issue, and are considering whether criminal action need be taken.
[size=9]*Some of the facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.[/size]