[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]One is QUITE Enough! This Week in Review!September 4, 2013
Let me preface this week?s column by saying THIS IS THE REAL ME. Apparently there are duplicates of Post
people wandering around. Didn?t know that? Well now you do. Right now they?re all crammed in the Post
building trying to share our
desks and our
assignments and our
coffee (I want my mug back YESTERDAY, other Emmet). Seriously. Just who do they think they are?! Oh, right. Us. And let me assure you, the other me is far, far less good looking. He?s way too many crunches shy of a six-pack and has none of the tragic, war-torn appeal I have earned. Me? I?ve? seen things. Terrible
things. You can?t attend Beltane and walk away from that without scars for life. So if you happen to see that wannabe wandering around, assure him he does not rock nearly as much as I do.
As if RhyDin wasn?t insane enough, now there are apparently some kind of portal-rift-Koyliak-paradox-thingie-majoobiters everywhere. (OK, so Koy?s not involved. It?s just been a while since we?ve seen her around, so I have my suspicions.) Because I care so immensely about getting facts straight, I went to the RhyDin Observatory MYSELF and got them to give me a run-down of exactly what this is and when we should expect it to end. Instead, all I got was a printout with lots of scientific mumbo-jumbo that basically said, ?Blahblahblah, Nexus interruption blahblah.?
I may not have read it very thoroughly.
Regardless, it?s the talk of the town. So let?s talk about the town.
To be honest, we share Mesteno?s hesitation in addressing this, but seeing as more than a few people have noticed, it looks like we?ll have to. Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Constable Hotstuff have been reportedly seen around ? or, perhaps I should say Not
Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Constable Hotstuff. These two obviously haven?t earned the moniker yet. The ones we?ve seen around just go by David Lo and Riley O?Rourke, and this Riley seems far moodier than our Riley ever was. After a rough first arrival that put more than a few people in a bad mood, she, Mesteno, and Evander shared some tense introductions Tuesday that didn?t last. Fortunately Riley-Two's stage of running around like a chicken with its head cut off screaming ?I?M NOT DEAD? has passed, but now we?re sort of in this odd intermediate stage of whether or not we want to accept this person. Judging by the way both walked out, Evander and Mesteno seem to have made up their minds about her. Wait and see, right?
OMG MOMENT. Under normal circumstances I?d think I?m hearing things (daytime drinking is no joke, folks), but I wasn?t the only one who heard about Fio?s (or rather, not
-Fio?s) odd behavior in the Inn on Tuesday. Paragon of Patience Steve was just about blindsided when he arrived that evening, went in for a kiss and instead received a prompt punch to the gut. From what we?re told, Fio looked and talked right through him like she?d never met him before in her life. Ouch. If he was having trouble handling that situation, he was at least really damn good at pretending he wasn?t. Jewell seemed to share his concern and engaged Fio, but even she couldn?t seem to bring the former governor out of her daze (not to mention Jewell seemed more than a little distracted as well). Andu apparently piped in and chocked it all up to Nexus nonsense messing with RhyDin lives, but if we didn?t know any better, the way Fio was behaving seemed like? No, it couldn?t be, could it? Then again, she was
heard introducing herself as ?Missie.? OHMYGOD. Blast from the past, much? Did we hear that right? If we did, did you feel that quake? That was the sound of every jaw hitting the ground in RhyDin. If this is true, then trouble is just beginning. Strap yourselves in, folks!
It was recently brought to our attention that Harris has a bit of a situation on his hands. That is, apparently there are women cropping up all over RhyDin claiming they are his daughters. How did RhyDin not see this coming? Everyone knows it was bound to happen eventually, right? OK, fine. We may be lying about our impeccable foresight. We didn?t see this coming and don?t know where it?s going, but boy howdy is it entertaining. Never have we seen Harris so flustered. This is a guy who takes a beating daily with a grin, and suddenly he?s knocking over tables, brawling with Issy and flipping out in the Inn? Thank you, Nexus. WE MISSED THIS DRAMA!
So? Apparently Icer was seen in the Inn not too long ago covered in blood and chewing on what looked like a human femur. We?re concerned. We should be concerned, right? Not in the aw-jeez-you-look-like-you-had-a-hard-day kind of concern, but more like please-don?t-chomp-on-my-man-parts type of concern. Reports differ drastically as to whether there were one or two dragons at the time and who all was involved, but apparently this one looked exactly, 100% like Icer. A very hungry, very concerning (see above definition) Icer. So, uh, if this is a thing now, should we start wearing armor or something? I don?t think Armani makes breastplates and gauntlets. We hear the threatening blood-covered she-dragon was swiftly dealt with by Issy, Eregor, a new guy named Xun, and Permanent Place in the Inn Andu, but who knows if and when this will happen again? I think I need a bodyguard. VEX! WE ARE SO SORRY WE MADE FUN OF YOU SO MUCH! WE TAKE [size=9](most of
)[/size] IT BACK. PLEASE SAVE US!
Speaking of daughters popping up, get it together, Ben! The guy?s pretty sharp, we?ll give him that, but we?re pretty sure the blonde who showed up a few days ago claiming to be his offspring must
be conning him. Ben?s got a soft spot for his girls ? well, Jackie, anyway ? so it probably won?t take more than some batting of eyelashes and sob story about alternate universes before his wallet?s open and empty. Come on, people. You don?t just pop in, all smiles, to say hello to an alternate father, do you? Not with some
sense of wariness. An alternate Ben could be a recluse! A mass murderer! Or worse? a politician! If you ask us, this girl was a little too comfortable in her approach, and, as predicted, he warmed right up to her. Watch. Instead of the inevitable ?Who?s Your Daddy? headline about the (supposed) Sullivan Jackie?s growing, we?ll be writing Ben?s obituary. When this girl goes PSYCHO once the allowance runs dry, don?t say we didn?t warn you.
Then again, if psycho daughter lady goes nuts on the Sullivans, at least SOMETHING would happen in that circle. Jake isn?t a bad bloke, and while Reva will likely never reach that I?d-sell-my-left-dangler-for-a-date (but not my right, we?ve grown attached) level of hot, she is still pretty stinking hot. Imagine my consternation when I find out the two of them together are SOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOORING. Happy lives don?t sell gossip columns, people. It?s almost as though they?re deliberately acting vanilla. Gasp. That?s it, isn?t it? The two of them have some SERIOUS skeletons in their closets, and they?re only happy-go-lucky in public because they don?t want anyone to find out?! YOUR SECRET?S OUT. I don?t know what the secret is, but I will find it! And I will write DOUBLY about it! How do you like them
On Tuesday the 27th, we had the sad privilege of hearing Amber making her goodbyes in the good ?ol RDI. After her shift her farewell was short, silly, and bittersweet (not unlike Amber herself), and the Red Dragon Inn inevitably be a little gloomier without her brightening the place up. But as we say goodbye to one, we welcome back another with open arms. Rumor has it Taneth was around that same night, but, go figure, she seemed to have amnesia of some sort and could not remember anyone?s name (save for Gren, who is apparently skyrocketing in popularity). We?re not sure if this is as a result of the quirk in the Nexus, or if Taneth was just being Taneth. Our pool is pretty much tied at the moment, so two Badsiders and a kiss to anyone who provides us some decent intel about this. Reap, on the other hand - who was also present that night - hasn?t changed one bit. If he had, the world would be a much darker, dismal place, with lots of extra alcohol. Seriously, think of the children.
WE SAW JOLYON! And we wish we could write more, but that?s all we?ve got. I might could find out more myself, but with man-eating Icer flying around, I think I?ll hang out in my office and let my interns do the digging. If you happen to see them around, do NOT feed them. They only get to eat when they give me something good.
Until next time, avoid those rifts and watch where you step. And as always, you stay sassy, RhyDin!