What the hell was I thinking getting attached again? You'd think I'd learned from Mary's death that it's better to be alone, but it gets lonely on the road, and every now and then you meet someone who somehow manages to break through your defenses.
It's not like there haven't been women before. There's always someone lonelier than you, someone looking for a few hours of companionship, even if that's all you have to offer, but Katie was different. Katie saw through me right from the start.
I was working a job when I met her. Big surprise there, huh? There was this ghoul thing up in Minnesota. Nasty son of a bitch. Anyway, long story short, I ended up checking myself in at the local E.R. with some lame *ss story about a bear attack. Couple of rabies shots later, and me and Katie are swapping hard luck stories over coffee and donuts.
I'm not going into details, but she asked me back to her place, and one thing led to another. Never thought I'd get a call a year later to let me know I was a Daddy again. The last thing I expected was to have another kid. A daughter this time. I can't say I've been much of a father to her. I haven't been much of a father to the boys, either, but I've done my best. Given the circumstances, they turned out all right.
Not sure which of the three I worry about more. Sam's an angry young man. Can't say I blame him. He never knew his mom and never had much of a home life, being dragged around from state to state on what must have felt like a wild goose chase half the time. At least, Dean understands. He was old enough to remember the fire, old enough to understand what was going on. He's too much like me, I think, and that worries me, but he does his best to take care of his younger brother, and there's not much more I can ask of him than that.
The boys don't know about Ayden yet. Not sure I want to tell them either. I doubt they'd understand. Dean will only get angry and see it as a slight against his mother, God rest her soul, and Sam will worry which of them I love best.
I've tried to protect them as much as I can. I've tried to keep Ayden from this life, but this life always catches up with you, one way or another. I'd like one of my kids to lead a normal life - go to school, get married, have kids, the whole shebang - without having to worry about the things that go bump in the night. I know it won?t be Sam or Dean. Maybe it will be Ayden.
All I know is I don?t want her growing up the way the boys did, with nothing to show for it, but the clothes on their backs. I want more for her, I want better. And if I have to stay away in order for her to have that, then that?s what I?ll do.