Brain fever drove her on as she focused on her goal through the fog. In the outside world it seemed she had been working for a long time, even though inside time was different? it seemed far longer to the angel. The withdrawal from the drug hadn?t given her a moment of peace. She had expected it to get better but as each terrible minute turned into hours and then days passed and the pain lingered on? she had learned to embrace the suffering instead of waiting for it to go away. The cold never left her and she couldn?t stop shaking even in the unbearable heat that burned despite the chill.
The pain was only part of the battle now, on the edges of her vision floated shadows. We all see them sometimes but these nasty little creatures threatened to fly at Rose at any moment. When they hit? She?d suffer agony over the misery inflicted by the cruel memories that she wasn?t allowed to run from anymore. The missing parts of herself, when they came, hit her like a million volts of electricity all at once. Every nerve in her body felt like a frayed wire, and her punishment was just beginning. She had used zydrate to help her to stave off these horrible memories and to, in fact, keep herself well shut off from the pieces of her own shattered soul. She knew this was unavoidable if she wanted to get clean.
There was another one! She jerked suddenly, looking up before it hit as if it might make some difference, but it came at her so fast it was a blur of blinding motion straight between the eyes. A scream tore from the depths of her soul as another piece came together, so many memories? good and bad? and all of them hurt. So many missing parts of her life that was left behind, she?d done so thorough a job of repressing these things, that she had to experience them all over again. As if for the first time, but all at once, she couldn?t shut any of it out. From head to her toe the electricity coursed through her in shock waves.
Joy and subsequent loss surged through her mind like a skipping record. Her heart felt like it was being driven through her chest as she fell to her knees in shock, hands grabbing the sides of her head. She kept telling herself that she would rather feel pain than nothing at all. This was all part of it though, she had to be able to live with everything that had happened. The sickness in her was proof that even she could be hurt by this drug. But she could survive this, she just needed to stay determined in her course.
Unsure of how long she stayed on that floor being shocked repeatedly as these memories echoed in her heart. She wept when she finally caught her breath. Rising up to one knee, she moved to get back to it. She couldn?t quit now?
That was when it happened? a flash back that didn?t belong to her but had everything to do with her came out of the wood work.
This one came at her from the side taking her by complete surprise. She felt her skin searing as she burnt herself in the fall this time, but it was nothing. Nothing compared to what this new flash back brought. The screams that came from her were due to events she was helpless to stop but was forced to be party to. Twenty innocent girls being massacred back at headquarters by a monster who was out of control, fighting for survival in a black out brought on by horrific injuries. Rose couldn?t think beyond the knowing she had caused this. Those huge brown eyes staring at her in horror, the last moments of life spent in terror and blood? It might as well have been her own hands that tore the girl to pieces, her own mouth that devoured their souls.
One by one she watched from behind Lillianna?s eyes as she killed them all. It didn?t even heal her, but in the end it was enough to allow the monster to cease and find rest in the pool of fresh gore that brought some relief from the tortures of her own injures and the flash backs and nightmares she now endured because of it. The beast was sleeping? but Rose was still raging and out of control.
There was a body count building up behind her and why? What had she done? All she had thought was to limit the damage and now people were dying and the blood was on her. Shrieks filled the air as she went wild, fire licking hungrily at her clothes in her disregard for where she was. She felt her flesh tearing beneath her nails, her healing powers fighting against the constant damage being done by burns and self inflicted wounds spraying blood everywhere. The blood on her hands ? she hadn?t meant to hurt herself ? it may as well have been their blood. It wasn?t as if she realized at first what she was doing, ripping herself open to try to release these terrible things from inside of her.
She could hurt herself all she wanted here, but the events she had set in motion couldn?t be stopped now, and no amount of blood could wash away what she?d done. The suffering was nothing compared to what was happening to Lillianna and twenty young girls who would never have a chance to live. She felt the loss and the guilt all the more acutely with her raw soul, with the heightened senses that interpreted a cool breeze as pain when she wasn?t injured, that was all her nerves could perceive in their current state. Pain - had enough?
The weight of accountability (or was that blood loss?) caught up with her at last and she ran from the heat, she made it just outside the workshop and collapsed to the ground. A steaming and half-naked unconscious heap, whimpering as her blood flowed out onto the soil. It would slow. Her hands lay limp now at her sides, her fingers twitching and her eyes closed. But her mind fled from her body, from the terrible truth and sought the only relief it knew.