Author Topic: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)  (Read 2514 times)

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #30 on: November 30, 2013, 07:13:09 AM »
I listened to the wind today, to the winter storm as it blew in across the bay. I listened until I could no longer take the cold. I listened and walked through forest along paths that led me home, or the place I call home now. The kiss of the wind is pain, funny how it knows what I need so badly.

Yesterday I burned my hand, I can't figure out if I did it on purpose or not. It feels very similar the pain in my hand and that which rips through me walking back to this place. Neither is crippling though, I suppose in large doses they could be. On both days I caught myself staring at the houses. Why do I feel so attached to this place? I have family here that is not mine by blood. I have friends here who only ever asked to be shielded from the world. There is more though, I can see the place where I told stories on the night of rose moon. What was that story? Yes I remember the battle of the birds. Is it silly that I think of it now? What does it mean? The boy who lost his love, who carted a bag and was nearly killed by a giant. The boy who saved the bird from the snake.

Who was he to get involved? I liken him to me I suppose, getting involved where I shouldn't. Saving one bird from a snake in the grass. Yes, and gaining love only to realize it too late and be forced to give it up. It worked for him though...for me I see loneliness and I see death. I looked at eternal house, then at vampire house. I looked at all those houses. Demon and werewolf houses, Alchemy and mage, I wonder, did any see the smile on my face as I walked towards warrior house? I know what they do not...mortality is good, death is good...my house of warriors, a house of fighters, and I will gladly stand first in any fight. I will happily lay down what I am, for what I think has worth. Yes I will force someone to kill me, to save it...to save them.

Even as I write this I don't know who I am talking to. There are so many who have my protection here. Strangely even the most potent of them has a layer of defense that they do not know about. One lone fallible smith, one small life to save the many. One soul freed from mortal shell can save all.

Morgan and I argued, there aren't many who know and I don't know why I bother writing it. He is gone now, because he understood. He was likely right but his priorities were never mine. I will give up the many for the few. I will give them all up for the one. This has less to do with who the one is than who it is to me. I would drive an entire world into the fires of oblivion to save just one of my own. The concept itself is what many would call wicked. Then I am so, stand behind me my chosen family. Stand behind me my real family. Stand and watch for I will walk that path for each and every one of you. I will suffer the agonies of hell because I choose to keep what I consider mine.

What do I consider mine? The weapon and the mage, the children and the dames, and the touch to make me whole.

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #31 on: December 13, 2013, 02:03:56 AM »
Musa, mihi causas memora ..., "O Muse, recount to me the causes?? ~ Virgil (Aeneid B1 L8 )

I?ve been avoiding you, avoiding thoughts of you. The reason is perhaps because I am trying to stay stable. I?m broken, you know this for you were there at the breaking. Tell me has my voice been silent to you as well? Does that hurt you as much as it does me? I can hope I suppose, hope and pretend that something important happened. I am still moving, I told you I would be. I warned you that I am not defeated simply because I am alone. Do I want you still? Those words brought back an ache so deep that I had to replace pieces of my walls. Of course I do, but I want you on your terms.

I understand, that my demands on you are heavier than any should ever have to bear. I remove those from you and will walk alone. Your terms, you will bring them when you wish, if you wish to. I can?t let myself live longer in the despair that I feel though. It is still there, it is felt when I am weak. I am often weak. Perhaps you will give me the reasons some day, why you stayed with me, why you left too. I don?t make any demands, how can I when you give me silence and reflections. My cries have filled the air, my needs have been demonstrated before the people. I am broken my love, but I am in the forging pit waiting to feel the hammer?s first blow. I wish you could be there, I wish you could see that which will emerge from great good works. Perhaps being remade is necessary? Perhaps being unmade is necessary. To be unfolded and devolved into that primal being that lives within us all. I am the beast that destroys, I am the man who creates. I am always simply?Kruger.

Kruger

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Know Thyself
« Reply #32 on: January 01, 2014, 04:06:08 AM »
[size=18]nosce te ipsum, temet nosce (thine own self, know)[/size]

These are the words that haunt me my love. To know myself is to know chaos. How does one truly know chaos? I know many things, I know that the decisions I make today can be changed tomorrow in a similar situation. I know that I decide things always based on emotions and feelings. I know that a man run by such things can never really know his self. Give me a situation and hold back no names, then I can assess my own decisions.

If I know no one involved, then the only thing I know is that a decision will come quickly. It will be just as much a surprise me as to those involved. I don't claim logic as a basis for deciding, let those with minds for cold facts and order keep logic. Passion will run my life, now as it always has. Chaos, I choose not to call it such, I will stay with the word passion. I wonder sometimes if the logical love. What kind of love is it? Are they able to do what I cannot and step away from that love just because it makes sense to?

I can't be this way, I can't run on what makes sense. If that is logic, then logic lies. It makes sense that a child goes hungry, but only if we look at the reasons behind it. In my mind a hungry child makes no sense. There should be no reason that it occurs. So damn a world of logic, and damn feeling nothing. Know myself? I know myself enough to know that I will fight where I should give up. I will die where I could live...and I will love where I am alone.

Where does that leave one chaotic no..., one passionate smith? Where does it leave he who makes and unmakes? It leaves me in that passion, the kind that leaves my lips tingling and my fingers gripping anything that can be held. The passion that builds and pours out in silent sweaty cries. The same that strikes without warning and gives no quarter in order to protect. Know myself... I am the light when it is darkest, the shadow that will hide you from that same light. I am the warrior who blocks the path, and the knife in the dark. My love, I am all things as needed, though I have forsaken all divine virtue. Virtue is for men who believe that it is all right to grieve. I do not, if life must be taken from you, there will be no grieving from me. I will be on the other side already, waiting for you.

Know myself? I am the Maker, the Unmaker. I am the saint of chaos and the sinner of order. Know myself? I am the lover, and I am the leaver. I am the seven deadly sins, the foresaker of god's virtues. I am he who mourns for those that live, until we are reunited. To any who would wish harm to those in my world... My love, to them I am a monster, I am the beast, I am the reckoning.

Kruger

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I'm Not Moving
« Reply #33 on: January 12, 2014, 09:55:20 PM »
?Omnia vincit Amor: et nos cedamus Amori." ~ Love conquers all things: let us too surrender to Love. Virgil (70 BC ? 19 BC), Eclogue X, line 69

I hear your words, once I may have believed, today there is no belief in me. Love conquers all? See me here, Virgil in your dusty tomb, and know I surrendered long ago and you have made me suffer for it. Do you laugh as we suffer? Do you look out with your misinformation and cackle with unending glee? I am trapped within, here in my alternate to your words of wisdom and folly. Love conquers men, it picks them up and puts them into places where they are lost and alone. Love exists to rip away sanity and destroy resolve. Love kills everything it touches so perhaps in a way love does conquer all. It drives us to make decisions that shouldn?t be made. To leap where climbing would be better advised. Love waits in the shadows to find the best moment to betray those who hold to her.  

Love and betrayal, I am guilty of this. Guilty of more too.  I am a slave to it, but then I have always been a slave haven?t I? Love, your love Virgil, is a pit that has no bottom. Mine is a little different perhaps, a bog of mud and peat from which there is no escape. The dirt never fully rinses away and the smell lingers to drive you mad. Madness, as good a definition for love as I have seen.  I wish I could remain indifferent. I don?t know that I have ever been that though. Everything pulls me in all directions. I?m not sure from one day to the next if I have contradicted myself. I could read back and know, but it would hurt too much I think. Can I lay that your feet to Virgil, you are long dead and I don?t fear the dead.

Love conquers, it lays waste all in its path, it destroys men, all men. I could be wrong, perhaps it simply destroys me. This journal, it is meant to be something that I have not made it. More evidence that I am warped beyond help. You won?t find the bits of info that tell how my day went. My days are the same always, except when I think to hard or feel too much. Is it possible to feel too much? To be crippled by the chaos of emotion? I won?t let it cripple me, I may be conquered but I am not laying down. Take that Virgil, take the chains you want wrapped upon my world and pull with all your might. I am not moving.

Kruger

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si vales valeo
« Reply #34 on: January 17, 2014, 05:27:25 AM »
If you are well, I am well.

I was uncertain how to begin, I've spent more hours laboring over this entry than I have over some of my most intricate designs. I forgot time, and forgot pain. I forgot to think beyond the press of you. Could I be more selfish? I don't need to look too far to find that answer. Hours alone and part of me wishes it were still so. That you had put us somewhere that we could see nothing in any direction. Can I make my own world that way? How long would it last? No pressure for either of us, no demands beyond what we are willing to give.

There are enough old wounds for us. I think we both know that. The memories filter back though. They call and demand attention. I don't feel their weight yet though, I wonder if that would surprise you. Are you well? My thoughts say you must be, but I have a tendency to be wrong... often. Time will tell. I will see you again, and ask or not as I see fit. I am not dead, there are no new wounds in me that would indicate displeasure. I want to forget again, for a little while.



Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #35 on: January 19, 2014, 12:04:45 PM »
[size=18]"Cannonball"[/size]

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
 Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
 Still a little hard to say what's going on
~ Damien Rice

How did this come to be? I am on edge like I haven't been for some time now. Nervous and tripping over my own words. Nothing has changed, not inside me, or has it? I don't know. Some sage I have become eh? look even my fingers shake a little as I write. Why am I afraid? Is it you or me that has me nervous?

It doesn't matter, you're gone, except for the flowers. You're gone, except that I really can still taste you. You have left me, but I will be there soon. It's not long to wait before I see you again. Where will you take me? Can I live up to you? Will one of us destroy the other? I'm scared, afraid to make you happy, afraid to be happy. How long before I can't feel again Nilanoch? How long before I let you down? It doesn't matter. You're gone, except that I still feel you. I still know that when I come, you will be there waiting.

How much do I tell you? If I am honest I say it all, and keep a stiff back while you order me from your side. If I'm honest I tell you that I do not wish to leave you. If I am honest, I tell you that I never wanted to let go this morning. What does that make me? Or is it you that has cast something over me? If it is the latter why does it feel more like a release? I shouldn't have let you walk away. You'll be there though, won't you?

Please.


Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #36 on: January 27, 2014, 07:33:22 AM »
Sometimes I hear it, a song in my head. Just words really a deep desire for something more, for someone. Seven words, and how fitting that is the number once again.

I need for you to know me ~ (Kruger's Player)

I need for you to know me,
but I don?t understand what that may mean.
The darkness it calls to me,
a promise in the dreams.

I need for you to know me,
but I?m afraid to move.
The silence it just laughs at me,
and I don?t know what?s true.

I need for you to know me,
is this just a waste of time?
If I follow your footprints down that path,
tell me darlin? what will I find?

I need for you to know me,
and all of my committed sin.
The world ahead invisible,
and it?s so dark where I?ve been.

I need for you to know me,
and hell that comes to pass.
I may never burn first,
but you know I?ll be burning last.




Image Credit: Catherine Zeta-Jones   Image Credit: Robert Down Jr. as Sherlock Holmes
Final Image Edit: Nilan

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #37 on: February 03, 2014, 02:09:59 AM »
Few people have understood the meaning I put behind the embers that fly away. They don't see quite the way I do that it is chance that will make two embers fly so close together. They may not track the progress and see how hotly those two burn for one another. They won't feel how intense those flames become. The way they need to feed life into one another.

How do I possibly explain what happened though? You hit me like one of my own hammers. I don't know much except that we are like those embers, only the heat is more intense. If we can find the fuel, maybe we can start the blaze that lays just beneath the surface. Perhaps that friction between us will sustain us until conflagration. I am living between those small controlled breaths, and using every part of you to feed this beast within me.

My skin burns, and still you touch me, slick with sweat from exertions that take away the hours of the night. I've had years in the dirt and soot. Still you touch me, raise the temperature and keep me hot. The darkness shows us burning bright long after we should have failed and faded. I'm still burning... Are you...

...Nilanoch?



Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #38 on: February 10, 2014, 02:56:31 AM »
I'm distracted tonight, these times and this place have me more comfortable than I have been for a while. It's not in me to understand this yet I suppose. I don't know if it is normal to feel bad, yet still feel good. In the back of my mind sit the secrets of life. Back there I know that darkness and pain are truth. Of course those secrets are closer when I'm alone. I'm not alone now. It's true you linger so close to me that any movement from me brings a chill from the air that sweeps in to cool both our skin.

I'm looking at you now seeing the tangle of curls, caused by once damp  hair across a pillow. Strands twist and bend around each other in a not so subtle reminder of us not so long ago. It falls in chaotic patterns that are so like the warping of my thoughts. There is more though, further down in my chest. A feeling of euphoria twisting like a whirlwind floods through me. At its edges though razor sharp shards cut at me to remind me of all that I have destroyed. And still I don't know if it is normal to feel good and bad at the same moment. To look for a future and wish that somehow I really could have been everything to everyone.

I am torment, I worry for you now Nilanoch as I write this. I am chaos and a road uncertain. I am the exception to the rules. The worst part is that I have you in my arms and won't let go. Does this condemn you to my anarchic world? Will you regret my bringing you along? Will I regret? I need you with me, and that scares me.




Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #39 on: February 18, 2014, 03:32:22 PM »
The storms, are we this? If any look back on these writings they will perhaps call me insane. I feel insane tonight Nilanoch. I feel filled with energy that won't dissipate and the only outlet I have is in working this body until it falls into oblivion. I've been there before, though something stares back at me tonight. I hope it is you. I hope that it is the violent eruption of fire and ash that consumes me.

There amongst the dark and smothering clouds am I. An electric surge that has no master, no pattern. I strike where the mood takes me and I live within that ebony pillar. Or are those just the thoughts I have? It is hard for me to separate sometimes, in the dark when there is just me and my pen. That and the soothing soft breaths of you. I wonder where this little boat will take us, and can't find myself caring if we ever find a place to put down anchor. Are you as at odds with yourself? Do you look on me and see what I am and ask yourself do I deserve what I have found?

There are worlds to be seen, I've seen a few, but what if the only world we have left rides the waves with a name like Tanelorn? What if the highest pinnacle in our world has become the tip of a mast? Would you be content to live in such a world? I wonder sometimes Nilanoch, not because I doubt you. Rather the wonder comes from a touch that is hard and gentle at the same time. At the way your eyes always seem to find me and all my flaws and never look away in loathing. I am always at war with myself though.

The very parts that make me up are racially biased against one another, I can't seem to find accord, save when I am behind the hammer. The hammers are far away though, and all I have is time and you. I've never seen a forge burn hotter though than I do right now. I do burn Nilanoch, inside me fires build and the same thing that allows me to forge those weapons of death. Need, someone always needs don't they? I need right now, to touch you and allow myself to glow with the way you have become used to my touches in the night.

Once you would have woken, fighter that you are. There was a danger in touching you while you slept that pulled me to it all the stronger. The danger hasn't passed, now though it is like you have grown to expect it. The nuzzling of your face into my hand has its own pull, and a different kind of satisfying reward. It is perhaps cruel to know that even after I finish this, I will want you. I crave the attentions you languish on me. I feel alone now though. I don't mind being alone, not when I am working for there is always something happening.

It's the dreams perhaps, the silly things that stir me from sleep and have my mind racing. Those same dreams that make me know that when I am done trying to get these thoughts out that your name will be on my lips, softly right at your ear. Thinking of it now, my body craves that catlike stretch you will give and the way you will press harder into me.

Does my age bother you? You are far older than I will ever be. Even now I am saddened that I know even if I spent the rest of my life with you that I would leave you long before your own time comes. We will never grow old together. I will grow old and abandon you too in the end. Do I want you to move on after? I am selfish perhaps because I want to be the one that makes you unable to take another. Still at odds though, because I want you happy in the end.

I did this to myself, it's the darkness and the silence. It's the tendency for me to let my mind wander through where it will. It is the storm inside of me that says nothing I do will ever be good enough. It is the want of the storm to join that other across the blackened chasm. To join every element in a violent twisting horror of perfection. Even now I feel the claws in me, pulling me and giving me no options but to merge with the other. It wants the same, over and over again it calls for me. Is it you? Let it be you.


The journal falls away with the breaking of the intimate silence. One word softly hissed.

 "Nilanoch..."

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #40 on: May 17, 2014, 05:41:33 AM »
[size=18]Silence[/size]

Your silence
Your silence
Your silence... aaaah
Silence
Your silence
Your silence

Wake me...
~ Lucia

I'm stuck, stranded, straddling the line between silence and peace and knowing that they only bring me turmoil. The silence is forced, or maybe I simply accept it. How would I know that silence held so many echoes within its embrace? Where is peace to comfort this weary soul? It comes and goes, an island within the war that rages between heart and mind. My war, my fight, and I do so every day and night. The world will never know, I will never show them again.

I live, and will go on living this life striving for that thing that I know is out there. I don't care anymore for dangers that must be faced. All there is now is the goal, the end where I walk amongst the gods and tear them apart. My peace, their silence. My work and the feeble echo that they become. I don't need you now, except for maybe one. That is where the silence began, it is where this journey was forced on me. I must make peace within me though, I must see you one last time and let you kill me with your silence.

Maybe I am wrong, I've been wrong haven't I? I can't remember any longer. Every step seems to steal a little more of me, have I lost my way? There is no balance anymore, I can't tell the difference between inner peace and inner silence. Which one is the one I bring myself and which is the one that that you have brought me? Where does all of this end? Why have all my journeys become winding spirals into the heart of darkness? Please... why do I crave that darkness so? Save me.

These things come and go, this journal is full of words that all say the same thing. I Am Chaos! Nightly I send my shouts into the void of the cosmos, and nightly there are none who call back to me. There are none... there are none. Who holds the creator in check? Who better than me? I will find you all, and you will be unmade in that place where peace and silence meet. You will be unmade inside of me, and those haunting echoes of nothing will no longer tear me apart. Even now the endless pulsing fades, or is that me becoming colder? It's already so cold inside... Please, somebody... Wake me.



Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #41 on: May 03, 2015, 07:55:37 PM »
You're more than I expected. So many see you and know only fear and distrust, it's not right. I believe in you, One, and have even before you began to believe in yourself. Since before you left Kaius and came to me, I hated what you sought to become for a world that couldn't see the true beauty of you.

I know you don't always trust me, that others have claimed the same love for you that I have. I know that they've used you for their own ends, tried to make you belong to them, a weapon to drag out when they needed you. This is not me, never me. You call me your smith, but the truth is that I am and have been since the first time I ran a file across your claws yours. I do not crave your station. I don't need to wield you. I just need you, in the darkness. To feel your touch even as I give you mine in return. Now you do for me what you've done for no other, and I only love you more.

Our sons will be strong, of this I have no doubt. You ask me to name them, tell me that  you  are not worthy to do such. I disagree, but I will give them names. One shall come from you though my love. I do not know who this Roland was, but he was important enough for you to remember. Roland shall be the name of our firstborn. I looked it up, it means renowned in the land. I find that quite fitting. His twin? I sought long for a name. Hayden, I like the sound of it as I speak it aloud. I hope that you will as well. I'm eager to share these with you. I'm eager to share many things with you though most of those are too intimate even for these pages.

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #42 on: May 29, 2017, 06:28:59 PM »


Impossible, not just you being here, but to forget you. It's been a long time since I tried to capture you. Most of the details fade, most... but those eyes. They've always looked right through me. Aludariel, what is this dream that I'm lost in? That isn't a complaint, it's the place I want to be lost. But you're no dream. I can still feel the tendrils of your hair on my skin as I disentangled from you. It's been years since I've needed to clear my mind this way, or maybe I'm just setting it to purpose. A vain attempt to lock this reality into place and let all the others fade. I know that isn't possible, if it were then you'd be gone once more. Don't go, not again. I'm sure it would be the end of me.

[size=9][Image Credit: Faye-l Deviant Art.][/size]