Kruger?s hands shook as he held to the journal that just seemed to keep filling with his thoughts, no those were not thoughts they were wishes that he knew would never happen. The room was more lit than it had been since he had come to stay at Warrior House. Had there been anyone in attendance they may have been concerned over his seeming inability to begin. Within himself was the hard decision he needed to make, the words he scribed would echo that decision. The only problem was, as the nib rested nowhere near the page, Kruger hadn?t decided yet. That all too familiar burn was present in his eyes and he had no sulfurous smoke to blame it on.
The pen finally found its outlet as the ink began to scrawl across the parchment. Still his fingers trembled, and the man with forearms made hard from countless hours of wielding his hammer didn?t know how to stop them. Not without breaking something anyway, the pen, the mirror on the wall?his heart. He felt a curtain of iron pass over his heart and knew this was not the time and that he wasn?t strong enough to destroy himself as he should.
My sweet missing, you who have affected my every moment since you disappeared. I should cast you away, remove you from every thought and feeling that you have become a part of. I should do many things that won?t happen this night. I know I must decide, that I must let go despite my love of you, or maybe to prove it.
Letting go, just opening the fingers and slipping down into that hole that I have been climbing from for so long. I can?t force you to come to me, even the kindest touch would be a death stroke to what you mean. Still I cling though, I can?t see myself being okay perhaps I am not meant to be okay. Maybe that is what it means to love, never being in a state where I will feel safe. I don?t fear for my body, it has been broken before, the idea of physical pain doesn?t bother me. I fear for my heart and my head, I fell long ago and my rise has been slow. The jagged edges of a cliff face couldn?t sting more than the smallest thought of saying goodbye. I can?t do that now, I am not ready and I hope that you understand my procrastination.
It?s funny, I have turned up the lights and yet I still feel cloaked in darkness, madness. These memories keep going through my mind. Why is losing myself to that madness a decision that hurts less than letting it fall away? I want to ask if you are safe, but I am afraid that I will find that you are safe. More than that I don?t know what it would do to me if I discovered that somehow you are okay, that my feelings are the only ones boring holes into everything I know.
The face, I found it. Yes I make them laugh, all of them. Everyone deserves to laugh don?t they? Do you laugh where you are? Do you move from room to room and never pay me the smallest thought? I don?t know how else to interpret your absence. Tell me, will I ever know what I have done to drive you from me? Another crazy thought, and further into madness I ascend. It sits above me like a light in the dark offering warmth and comfort. I know it for what it is and still I want to be there to be as mad as anyone has ever been. I want it to take control of me to release me even as it sells me false visions of you in a perverted waking dream. Tonight I would take you any way I could get you, even if the thing I cling to does not really exist.
You are my madness, my goal for good or ill. I should let you go, to save my mind. I need to let you go to save my heart. I would sell my soul not to have to let you go.
Come back and reject me?kill me quickly.