Author Topic: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)  (Read 2479 times)

Kruger

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Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« on: January 10, 2012, 04:38:14 PM »
Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I awoke next to her again, she was laying faced down facing away from me.  The sparse light reflecting off of her hair held my attention for some few minutes before I moved it to better see her face.  I noticed them again, fine scars that lined her skin.  Their intervals are too regular not to mean something.  Perhaps it is time that I ask her.

The dream came again, I am sure that was what woke me, but I never seem to remember the events in it.  It didn?t end with the scream this time though, surely that would have woken ?jira, and I wouldn?t have had those moments to watch her sleep.

The events of last evening?s council meeting were temporarily driven from thoughts.  The news of this man who died struck heavily on both Raye, and Rachael.  My heart goes out to them; I know loss, so much of my life seems steeped with it.  Perhaps that is part of my fear regarding this relationship I have started.  What will she do if he comes back?  What will I do?  The answer is obvious to me.

The decisions of last evenings meeting have given me pause.  To easily were offers of help swept aside in favor of unknowns.  More and more I believe that the wolves have taken up guardianship of the sheep.  The weapons for Ebon will be provided, but there will be much anger within me if the efforts we have put forth to provide a safe haven for the people of Rhy?Din are put asunder by political infighting.  I hate to believe that there might be corruption so high up in the local council, but my eyes are not completely blind to the possibility.  

These thoughts are too heavy to leave inside, there is hope in me yet that the right thing will be done, however I will not sit by and let the city tear itself apart from the inside out.  If a firm hand is required, there are people that can be approached I?m sure.  


Kruger read through what he had written, and then tore the sheet from his journal crumpled it and deposited it in the fire.  ?Some thoughts are too dangerous to be allowed access to.?

Kruger

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While You were Sleeping
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2012, 09:24:42 PM »
Thursday January 12, 2012

The simple noises that would normally cause me no worry have kept sleep from me this night.  The threats against me and the forge were easy enough to ignore.  When these went unanswered the so called insurance agents that have been pestering me and so many other independent owners came and threatened that which I would not lose.  

I don?t think she suspects the real reason I went to the docks, and continue to do so to pick her up.  Short of having her protected at all times, something I would not do to her.  She should not have to change her routine just to satisfy my fears.  No, something more subtle should be done.  Later today I will approach her with my thoughts.  I find it strange at times that I am able to discuss with her anything that comes to mind.  Do I dare discuss my thoughts on the corruption I presume is present well up the chain from the patrolling watch?  If I do, then I have put her into danger for what she knows, however if I don?t she is already in danger for what people assume she knows.  If the knowledge can save her I owe it to her.  

Rachael has been given word of the troubles plaguing my end of Rhy?Din.  I don?t know what if anything will come of that, but it needs to be in ears other than my own and those who would stand with me.  I know this type of thing has been going on for a long time.  That does not excuse the fact that men meant to protect are the first line of the troubles rampant in this city.  The others grow impatient with me.  They came to me because they saw my resistance; I don?t know what they expect out of me.  I did not begin this to have puppies nipping at my ankles.  A fight is coming; I hope we all can see in the dark.  I hope that friends and foe will shine in the null light and innocent blood won?t fill the gutters.

Raye showed to the Outback last evening as well.  She is taking this man?s death very hard.  I have never seen her in quite the shambles that she presented us with.  Why do I care so much though when she seems to give in and cowed before others.  I don?t understand why that makes me want to open someone up, and show them what their heart looks like.  It has been this way for a while.  It isn?t attraction, at least not the kind I share with S?jira.  It feels more like compulsion, the kind I most associate with the bellows.  The right pressure and the fires are fanned hotter.   I don?t think she even noticed any of us were there last night.

 
The form on the bed shifted Kruger saw an arm land in the space that he should have occupied.  It had been hours since they had removed the large brass tub he had asked for.  He had closed the door to the sleeping chambers, and stood in front of it looking for the world like Cerberus at the gate.  The hammers that made up purgatory were always within easy reach.  All that remained were the oils and soaps that had been brought with the tub.  He supposed that his aggressive attitude had led them to believe that a few scented bars weren?t worth lingering under his gaze anymore.  He felt a little silly afterwards, surely of all places, they were safe here?weren?t they?  That he had no clear answer to the question made him feel vindicated towards his attitude.  

The shifting in the other room became a softened voice scratchy from sleep.  ?Kruger??  

He had been gone too long, the thought made him smile as he tore the entry out and threw it into the fireplace.  The flames licked hungrily at the parchment.  ?Coming ?jira love.?  

He laid down once more, staring at the ceiling, listening to the sound of the inn settling in around him.  The girl next to him had found her favorite position, and her breath was warm on his neck.  The warmth of her touch had his skin tingling.  His sense of smell was full of her, but he could find no comfort.  No matter how good this moment was he couldn?t close his eyes.  She was still awake; he could see her eyes peripherally studying him.  
?Have you ever heard of Gilgamesh, and his search for immortality??  The story would soothe him, and might make her laugh.  All worries aside, he had a good life.

Kruger

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Eternal Vigilance
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2012, 12:58:31 AM »
Saturday January 14, 2012

The room is empty.  I missed the gate closing by several hours.  I was tempted to jump the wall and make my way to the little cottage, but the assurance of the guard here that ?jira was well when she passed though has led me to come back to the Inn tonight.  I know she doesn?t mind, but there is in me a feeling like I depend overmuch on her generosity.  A solution to this feeling of being in limbo must be found.  I want to be where she is, but I need her to know that it is she that I want not what she can provide me.  An idea strikes me, a simply wonderful proposition. I look forward to seeing her even more now.

Rachael and I attended a meeting tonight she gave up a night of duels to attend.  I did as well, but there are distinct differences between what she gives up and what I do.  My stake there is low for now.  I have been playing at duels; the field opened late for me, so there is not much chance that I will have enough opportunity to go very far in this cycle.

 There were many people at the meeting.  Their open hostility towards what she stands for brought the ire from me.  The people present all say they have the interests of the people.  How did they decide on us?  The very thought vexes me even now.  Some offer up things too easily. This Emberclaw who stood and spoke, seemed passionate enough.  I will speak with him again on the morrow.

 I offer nothing more than what I can learn from the patrons.  I also offered to fight as needed.  This is nothing more than should be expected of every citizen though.  Trust must be earned!  So many were ready to condemn the watch; I know there are bad seeds there, but I believe Rachael is to be trusted.  Her story of a commander who went into a forced retirement intrigues me.  I find it to be more evidence against someone higher in the government.  True there are many reasons that an official can have to look the other way.  If this is the result of pressure being applied outside of the government then we should find those involved and take them down.

This is not a pleasant prospect for me.  In order for this to work it has to fall from the top down.  That means that those on the streets will continue to do those things that have brought the guardians together.  Just the thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  

Measures have been taken to insure her s safety.  It is this which has made me reconsider my earlier objection to CaelMal of open wearing of badges.  To whom would she turn if there were not a clear presence of The Guardians?  We need to maintain a presence for the people to be able to turn to us and cry for aid.  There are mixed feelings here for me.  If the badges are open they can be copied.  Emberclaw has already assured us that they can?t be stolen and worn.  This won?t stop a person from making a fake.  I think perhaps we can make the badges react to each other.  I will suggest this tomorrow.


Kruger read through the written words, it had been a mistake to name so many in this private sorting of his thoughts.  The pages of his journal seemed to be dwindling often.  How many times had he done what he was about to?  He had lost count.  The page was torn away, and fed to the fire.  A summary inspection of what did lie inside the book revealed many things.  Drawings of weapons and armor, thoughts on advantages of other metals over the highly prized and expensive Mithril were all throughout the journal.  There was even a page on the effectiveness of adamantine in crossbow tip making.  These were the thoughts people would expect from a blacksmith, so these were the ones he kept.

Kruger

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Finding Your Place
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2012, 06:50:16 PM »
Thursday, February 02, 2012
I am spreading myself thin; it is worth it to get the city back under control.  The Guardians have set up patrols; I have volunteered to take the market place.  The nights go like clockwork as preparations for the upcoming fashion week get underway.  I have a deep foreboding though that in the celebrations we will find yet another reason to mourn.  I give constant vigilance to strange activities that I see.  I believe I have disrupted a plan or two in my patrols, nothing major.   There was a mugging that started to turn a little ugly until one of the assailants noticed the badge on my lapel.  I suppose that is one good thing about announcing ones allegiances

I have been seen perhaps as a fool at the duels lately.  I wish I could care.  There is relief when I step into a ring and just get to let go.  If they want me to be serious they need to make the streets less so.  Laughter is the best medicine though.  I haven?t seen Raye for many days now.  I don?t know if that is simply because we have missed each other or if I should start to worry.  I will of course keep an eye out for her.  I still need to go to the memorial site she set up for Dharyk.  Not because he was anything particular to me, I honestly never met the man.  I need to go because I gave my word, so that is what I will do.  I will visit Horn too while I am there.  I think he needs to see a friendly face.

Rach has promised me the use of Roddy.  He of course will assist me in finding a suitable steed for my level of skill.  To be honest I have misgivings about making an animal bear me as a burden.  At least I will be able to keep up with Trygg a little better though.  It has been weeks since I have faced the Keeper of Air in a match.  We aren?t avoiding each other by any means; it just works out that way.  Perhaps tonight I can get an attempt in.

I have spent more time at the cottage recently.  I had meant to try and spend time in the Inn, but my feet always seem to carry me to her.  She takes all I have to give as though it were a pile of gold taller than Trygg.  I am addicted to her wonder at the world.  I find myself doing small things just to be able to see that look in her eyes.  We spend much time by the hearth; the little couch purchased from Joy was worth every ounce of the seventy silvers she charged me.  There are nights that she falls asleep in my lap, that I wish the sun would never come.


Kruger assessed this message in the dim light of the cottage.  It seemed to him there was nothing here that wasn?t common knowledge already.  He left this page in the little book that seemed to have vast gaps to it.  The sighing breaths of S?jira were a song he couldn?t get enough of.  He had laid her in bed some time ago.  It was a strange thing, but she rarely fell asleep there.  He went to the hearth and added some larger logs then banked it to prolong the burn time.  A little more time awake wouldn?t hurt tonight.  There were still a few thoughts that needed to be revisited.

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Thoughts and Worries
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2012, 09:43:53 PM »
Sunday February, 19th 2012

I met with another smith today, Miranda Branson.  She seems capable, and she is the first of a list that I am working my way through.  I did not anticipate my current load, nor have I been able to factor in the time spent on my patrols.  She seemed open to working with me, so when I finish here I will send a few letters explaining the situation.  I am trying through avenues that are complementary to involve more of the community with the forming of our defenses.  I hope that the Governor will understand what I am up to. In my heart I think she will.  She managed to move me through and around quite nicely in our meeting.  I admire her spunk, or am I just remembering the way she kissed me at the Star?s End.  It had been for charity, I tried to be respectful of her position, preserve her decorum.  The last thing she needs is a photo in the gossip rags.  She however showed me that I am not the only one that has a passionate side.  I don?t believe there are feelings towards me; perhaps it was a message that I must puzzle my way through.

Still no sign of Raye around lately.  Reap says I shouldn?t worry about the elfess, but I do.  Am I just a glutton for punishment?  I won?t get all pasty with you, because what would that really serve since you are me and I already know.  I miss her though; she has that aspect that lets people know that if something is going to happen, you need only look to her direction to see what it could be.  I am going to walk a little further on my next patrol.  Maybe I can spot her near a shoe store buying some more ankle breaker heels.  How the hell does she always look like she is walking on clouds in bare feet wearing those things?  

I went to the city early today.  I left ?jira to sleep, my head is killing me today.  I don?t know how much longer this can be kept inside me.  I can see her look at me expectantly; she knows that the flood is coming.  It always does.  I grow closer to her every day, if I had my way the danger would be long passed.  At the least my part in the goings on would be ended.  I found myself in a strange store the other day.  I covered with a fake story about needing my seal repaired.  The Jeweler looked at me strangely.  I can?t consider this seriously yet; I haven?t even discussed this with her.  We are still so new together.  

I feel like there are eyes on me sometimes, just over my shoulder watching me as I work.  I am sure it is just me being nuts, what could I have done to deserve scrutiny?   Nothing that I can see, I am just a store owner, a shopkeeper.  I guess this could have something to do with the patrols.  I am probably fabricating the feeling because there are still so many that we haven?t brought in on that notice board.  We will go with that.

I haven?t written Bel in weeks, I try but my hand shakes too much.  I won?t feel comfortable with it until I have made recompense for my insult.  Like she said, my gut will tell me what to do.


The little journal is left precariously on the mantle until the door closes and it drops to the floor roughly a pace away from the heat.  The pages open to his last entry.

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Changes
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2012, 11:34:11 AM »
I don't know how to convey these thoughts.  Much has changed since my return from Istandor.  People ask me often what is going on with me, but that is not for them to know. The most important part of the mission was achieved.   My moments alone are filled with thoughts that make me doubt myself.  



There has been some speculation as to why I threw my hat into Sifu's  hands.  Perhaps the better question is why she offered in the first place.  It is true she has no interest in me, and my training has been given to Nayun.  Any thought I might have for her motivation can't be confirmed without direct questioning, and to be honest I am not sure I wish to know the answer.  



Nayun is a different entity all together.  She works me hard but I never receive from her the questions that my friends give.  She is never impolite, rather she is silent beyond the job at hand.  I need that in my life right now more than I would have believed a few months ago.  Often she is merely a presence, silent and observing.  It is like she knows there is conflict within me that she refuses to acknowledge.  I am grateful for the opportunity that has been given.  



Raye?  I always come back to her...These thoughts do not belong here...




The journal is left on the small table,  Kruger retrieves the constant companion of late and drinks another mouthful.

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deep thoughts
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2012, 01:25:56 PM »
March 16 2012

My life and attitude lately seems to be enshrouded by guilt.  I feel it for letting ?jira travel without me.  I feel it to my friends who wonder what is happening while I drown myself in alcohol.  I haven?t let this affect the forge yet, but I am sure that is just a matter of time.  Admissions are difficult; I refuse to admit anything to anyone yet?wait that is not true, I admitted something to Raye the other day.  I am not sure she fully understood what I meant with my apology, but she was present and in a state, I find it hard to bear when she is so distraught.  Maybe I should refrain from attending any sessions of the arenas.  Would that ease her?or just me?  Moot question because I cannot stay away, the thought that I might be needed and not be there is already killing me in one regard.  I don?t know if I could live with myself if I allowed my own unburdening interfere with helping a friend.

I stay drunk a lot now.  There I said it?well okay I wrote it but it is as much the same thing.  I think there are a few who believe it to be an outside influence in the form of a large cowboy hat wearing individual.  Sorry Reap, I never thought that you would be implicated in my debauchery.  The problem lies with the length of time that I have known these people.  I know every one of them would gladly listen to my story but gods? damn it I am not ready to talk to anyone!  At least not anyone that I have access to, sorry again Reap.

Taneth has come around to me quite a lot recently.  I get the feeling she wants something?no that isn?t right?I get the feeling that she needs something from me.  I am not entirely sure she knows what it is though?I will help her if I can?that is what I do after all.  I hope she figures it out soon though, she seems very conflicted lately.  Then again maybe I am just pushing my own flaws onto her.  Time will tell.

Qwen took me to a new place; one I don?t think has ever been trodden by the races of the lower planes.  She is an interesting individual.  I daresay that she is quite striking, in a deadly sort of way.  She really does know how to bring the house down though that is for sure.  Sorry if that is cryptic, I am never sure who watches and who merely looks.  She has some interest in me, this I consider fair, because I have some interest in her as well.  Perhaps we can come to some arrangement together and share what we need.

Nayun won her challenge.  Sorry I don?t say this with more excitement, what I saw was a good fight.  My heart though is torn between the two fighters.  How does one hope that both fighters win?  I stayed away until I could take it no longer, then I kept to myself upstairs as I watched.  Her seizure like episode upon winning has me concerned.  She hasn?t been around for training; the door to the tower is locked against me.  This is probably to be expected though; Sifu said she sleeps, does that mean she doesn?t wake or am I just being paranoid again?  Sifu has picked up my training, but only twice a week.  Her interest still seems indifferent, even more so lately but I believe she worries over Nayun more than she lets on.  I ask her always when I see her to give my regards to Nayun.  I honestly miss her silent presence, and her pushing me to do better.  I wish I could find that goal she tries to coach me into, but my goal and hers are not the same.  What will she do now for a goal?  Perhaps when she finds that she will return to me?I know that sounds strange to come from me, she is young enough to be my daughter.  If this was more than a simple yet strange friendship that statement would make me feel dirty.  No worries I don?t feel that, I simply have grown used to her silent yet observant presence.

Rachael?  I seem to have strained this relationship?I am sorry; it is difficult to please everyone.  How can I be who I am though if I am unwilling to give a chance to those around me?  Ebon has put it best about me, that I champion unwinnable causes.  The stress I believe is my new association with the Adennites?.Adennians?.not sure which is right.  I am not really sure what I feel from her, it seems to fluctuate between hurt, anger, and fear?this is simply my interpretation of it.  I suppose that the lack of knowledge is my own fault.  I could ask her what is going on and I am sure she would answer?I am kind of afraid of the answers, so I am procrastinating.  True I usually face what I am afraid of head on and quickly.  Easy to do when it is life or death; but when it becomes live and live on. When you know that the words very well could place a wedge between you and a friend?and then you just have to deal with it?.this I am not willing to face so quickly.  Does the straining bother me?  Of course it does?but better to be strained than to be separated permanently?isn?t it?  Why can?t we just forgive the trespasses of others?or make a concerted effort to understand the decisions that make us angry?

Raye?  I told you it always comes back to her?I enjoyed the day we awoke on the couches in the outback?the rest of my thoughts do not belong here though.


It was one of the few days he went to the cottage, Kruger couldn?t help himself.  He stayed away to preserve that smell that was uniquely S?jira.  The missing her pulled him here a couple of times a week, and this is where he kept his journal.  That there were several empty liquor bottles surrounding the journal made him wonder when he had been here last.  He couldn?t really recall the last time.  He gathered up those bottles and tidied the place a little, making sure to leave it just as she had.  The organization of items in the place was as much a tie to S?jira as the smell that hit him when he opened the door.

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2012, 05:16:01 AM »
March 17, 2012

Saturday, St. Patricks day....who cares.  I laid under the stars tonight, every set of two seemed to take on her face.  I talked to them as though they were her, and fantasized that she could hear me.  I know that is perhaps the most stupid thing I have ever done, or thought.  Why can I get no relief from this craziness?  I accused her of watching me, and laughing at my mistakes.  Worse than that, I told her that I have felt as though I were being watched for years by her eyes in the sky.  Perhaps I have been...do you see me now my love?

I asked if I was ever special, if I was ever worth anything.  If I were part of the plan or not.  I am still not sure...often I feel like the end of everything...Lords help me is this my last year...my last month?  Will tomorrow show me my place in the plan?  I understand the subtleties of small movements to reach a greater goal.  I know that there are times when it is the stranger who trips over a stone in the street that causes a horse to rear and buck...that horse then breaks away from his rider and finds his way into the country side.  While it roams the farmer's sons spot him, and take him home...they have every intention of turning him over, but the rider sends out the word and a brave but stupid hero finds the horse at the farm.  A few miscommunicated words and the hero has hung the farmer for a horse thief....But which am I?  The man who trips? The rider who loses?  Perhaps the unwitting farm boys...or quite likely the stupid hero.  I suppose I could be the farmer doomed to hang....why do I feel like the rock who sets the whole story into motion?

I accused those pale eyes of manufacturing free will in an attempt to hide from us that all decisons are known in advance...then I asked them if they have ever been surprised.  What is wrong with me?  I should be happy tonight, I won every fight I was in...except for the one that rages on in my head.  That fight doesn't count.

It is nearly five...soon the sun will come and blind me, and I have no alcohol to push me to sleep.  I haven't had anything to drink for the last day...or two...my lips are cracked from the lack...I don't care...I refuse to and that shall be sufficient to keep me going.  My will is my own, except that is isn't.  The dream keeps me awake tonight.  I haven't had it...I haven't slept afterall...and there is no strong drink to take away these thoughts.  Why am I so weak?


From inside his coat he pulls the Desert Eagle.  The fifty caliber weapon was fitted with a laser sight.  Kruger squeezed the trigger hard enough to enable the green dot to be seen.  He pointed it at the rat scurrying down the alley in which he was trying to sleep.  He knew from experience that if he pulled the trigger, the bullet would go exactly where the dot was.  The journal was shoved into an inside pocket of his coat.  The handgun was cradled in his lap.  He was leaning against the annex tonight, knees bent feet flat on the ground.  Taking Taneth home had been a good way to make sure no one was around when he returned to this alleyway to sleep.  If only he could force that to happen.

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2012, 05:31:26 PM »
April 7, 2012

I have been neglecting you, fear not though I have been conveying thoughts to someone at the least.  I believe it is time for me to talk to myself for a little though.  There are things you say, and then there are things you say only to yourself.  My life has twisted out of control, and is only now becoming more normalized.  I am still lonely but the night is the place I feel it most.  You already know that, for it was you who warned me.  How long will I hold this hope that 'jira will return to me?  I need to write her another letter soon.  How often will she wish to read my pathetic feelings for her?  

I sold Andrea a Katana, it brightened a dark place in my head for a while as I watched her play with it.  This was some time ago, but I figured you would want to know.  Reap has gone and returned from somewhere.  He will speak on it when he wants me to know.  Aurast, I have been training at the same gym he does.  I honestly think I have lost a few pounds over the past couple of weeks.

Rachael has a new student in fists, Shadow does very well for himself.  I still don't know what keeps me from letting her help, but she is still my friend.  I may pay a visit to the tower soon.  I was given the Ring of Klytus too.  It will take me some time to learn how to use it.

Raye?  I told you it would come back to her.  She has been great, I took her to Adenna.  It is she that has been getting my thoughts lately.  I will continue to do so if she is willing to read them.  I don't really know how long she wanted me to do this for.  I would be able to drink again tonight...I don't know that I should.

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2012, 05:47:30 PM »
Should I mention Hammer?  He is not a humanoid, neither is he sentient.  Unless you count the body language as talking.  I should find it annoying that he has to relieve himself every two hours...day or night.  I don't though.  I haven't slept well at all since Istandor...and since S'jira went away.  Having to take him out gives me something to do other than what I would be doing instead.  I do still struggle against the cravings...I think it will always be so.

I have stayed away from the arena's and the duels for several days...or has it been an entire week?  I honestly can't remember,  I spend my days training with Robyn, afterwards I meet with Nayun.  Sometimes we run even more, other times she takes me hunting.  There was of course the day that she took me to meet up with Seirichi at Zoe's.  I paid as per the bet that I lost.  It was expensive, but worth it.  Seiri has put walls in place that seem impenetrable at times.  Sometimes though I catch her thinking about something.  I don't ask her, if she wanted me to know, I would know.  Instead I pretend that nothing has occurred and wait for that guard to drop back into place.

I learned recently that Nord is from Rhydin...I don't even know why Robin told me except to say that if one could do it, then another may be able to as well.  I hope she's right about that.  I haven't seen much of Aurast lately.  He makes it to the gym fairly regularly I hear, but somehow that is always the times when I am doing road work.  I wonder if Robin did that on purpose?

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2012, 02:44:10 PM »
May 12, 2012

I am here still, thought I have been a absent with you as with those whom I call friend.  Hammer still works with me daily on my little project in the forest.  Well I work, he runs around chasing squirrels.  He never runs too far though, he is very loyal.  Much has gone on since last we spoke, you and I.  Perhaps I should say me and I.  I have gained some rank at the outback, the fighters get tougher but if I am to push forwards and gain emerald that is to be expected.  I wonder if the opal ranked fighters are ready for what I am going to be bringing to the table.  I haven?t let on to anyone except for Robin and Nord.  I trust they are not speaking on the matter, as they have always been in my corner.  

S?jira is still among the missing. Optimistically I say to myself I feel her coming closer, but my head knows this is a lie designed by my heart to keep me able to function on a daily basis.  

What did you say?  What happened in that underground forge?  Greatness is all I can say right now?I don?t know how to form the words for what Ahnika and I did down there.  I will come back to that another day.  

I still have a few trust issues going on with The Guardian?s.  I am sure it is my problem, my own feelings towards super secret organizations is something that boils in me just below the surface.  We who face the people daily on the streets through our patrols are the bread and butter defense of the community.  I don?t need a hero, better to step up and say NO on my own terms.  There will never be a threat to the community that I will not fight until my body lies broken and lifeless.  I am not alone in this.  Dammit I need to back away from this subject.  Why are you making me talk about this?


The quill breaking in his grip signaled the end of today?s journaling session.  The deep breath spoke of his frustration with the line of thought.  He pushed away from the table leaving the journal open and visible, something he never would have done before.  Those eyes that had been feared before were now welcome, and understood.  Today was the day, he made ready to see Issy?no he went to see The Judge.

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2012, 08:58:50 PM »
Thursday, June 7TH

A whirlwind caught hold of me.  Is it strange that my recent past has been full of women?  There were men too sure, but let's face the facts here, women have made this poor excuse for a journal more often than any man ever will.  Why is that do you suppose?  Hell why am I asking you, I'm sure you don't know.  

Recent weeks have been a little different, calmer if you will.  It may have something to do with the training at the gym.  To be completely honest I have been fighting less than training.  I put together  decent string of victories but that part of my life has calmed as well.

No it has to be Shai...that would be Miss Vevea to you old man...I know how your eye wanders towards beautiful women who show an interest in me.  I could tell you that I didn't intend to get so close so quickly and it would be true.  I could also say that every moment has been lived as fully as possible when I am with her.  

She came into the shop to hire me to create some decorative pieces, but she left with me on her arm.  How does that happen, lodestones and iron were never so strongly attracted.  The iron will never be so close to the loadstone as I feel towards Shai.  

Belglade has been left to deteriorate, a debutente who has been told she is an old maid.  We will make her know better, she is mature and beautiful in our hearts and in our heads.

Kruger

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Belglade
« Reply #12 on: June 08, 2012, 09:35:36 PM »
[size=9](Taken from live play between Shai and Kruger)[/size]

 
    The journal sat before him on the table, it had been some time since he had it out last.  The quill in his hand had hit the inkwell once and the quiet scritches could be heard in the room.  Shai was half listened for, the rest of his mind focused through the nib on the quill.

   Belglade yearns to be finished she practically trembles in anticipation and complains when progress is halted because of darkness or a problem much like this afternoon. One of the bolsters on the balcony had sunk into the earth after the rain.  It came down on the scaffold striking Antonio on the hand.  He'll be fine but I sent him and his brothers away to get him to the healers.  I would say he has at least one broken bone in there.

    Leaving the front door of the house open as she finally came inside, it had begun to rain earlier but as hot as it was, Shai had remained in the garden, finally finishing up the repotting. "Mon amour, are you upstairs?" Called out as the smack of her barefeet could be heard along the tiled floor, but she wasn't going up quite yet. Fractionally chilled, but a sweaty mess nonethless. "Do you need anything?" Voice reaching from the kitchen.
 
    His head came up at the sound of her voice, a small grin creeping onto his lips as she strode on by him.  "In the dining room Shai.  Is there any lemonade left?"  He turned back to the page before him, and concentrated on what he was intending to say.  

The foundation is strong, but there are a few places that need to be sealed properly.  This is problematic in the rainy season.  In fact the season seems to have gone on longer than usual this year.  I wonder if that is significant. The cost on some of these issues though is mind boggling...I have done my best to keep costs down. Doing much of the work myself has helped but for something of that nature I need men who know their business.  I want it done right, so I will ask around for....Noises in the kitchen attracted his attention.

    The glass of lemonade had just been sipped from and dark eyes landed on the empty container. A grin to that, as well to the fact she hadn't seen him there chalked up to the lateness of the day and shadows. "Mhm, yes....nice and cold in fact..." About to pour half into another glass, she thought that to be ridiculous and made her way into the living room. Somehow, someway, as sweaty and dirty as she was, grace was maintained as it seeped from her pores and she carried a half  grin aimed directly at him. "You were hiding from me, mon amour...in the darkest of corners...just waiting....to pounce..." A thousand possibilities, they seemed to dance along every one of them and the glass handed to him there. "I am going to take a bath...I smell like....well, I smell..." More of an importance to leave him to his dealings in private.

  He blinked a few times at that grin, he wanted to know what was behind it.  Wanted even more to deepen it, to draw it out into other places. He took the glass from her hand, making sure touch was given in the passing.  A raised finger, a long soft stroke and a deepening smile for her. "I wasn't hiding love; the darkness was the result of your absence."  He sipped at the liquid, satisfied with the tartness of it and savoring the coolness.  He set it down and reached for her arm in an attempt to get her to sit in his lap.  "Mon amour you could never smell so bad I wouldn't want to..." he let his words trail off knowing she would understand where he was trying to go.

 When he smiled, Shai reached to him, thumb pad giving the spot beneath his eye a caress that was becoming almost a ritual between them. It was part of him, more so than perhaps either of them realized as a whole. He catching her off guard at times, the things he said to her embedded so deeply. His attempt a success, she sunk not only into his lap, but her arms were instantly slinking around his neck, lips finding her spot along his jaw line. "I believe we could each hide in the farthest depths of the woods, blind folded, in the dark of night....and be able to find one another. Our draw to one another being strong enough to surpass anything..." Her whisper holding so many levels of all her words entailed, the tip of her tongue tasting the saltiness of him, embers stirring. "Want to.....tell me mon amour....tell me please.."  

  He lowered the quill to the inkwell, there would be nib cleaning to do before he could start again, but this was far more important.  "Want to cover you with my own scent, or take yours onto myself."  He had watched her from his place bending and creating those decorative pieces.  It was always difficult to not go to her where she worked and distract her with his presence as much as her merely being visible distracted him.  The others had figured out what was going on.  He seemed to recall Antonio passing a few coins to Giovanni.  Perhaps a bet over the house mistress and the forge master?

 He circled her middle with his arms, and took in her scent.  Perhaps she smelled bad to herself, but to him there was only her.  His eyes closed in response to her thumb at his scar, and those lips brought shivers to his spine.  "Drawn to you like the wolf to the moon."  A strange sort of statement, he hadn't intended the pun.

 Her lips featherlike and then brushing over his own, a hushed moan rumbling at her to the words he spoke. "You've branded me, mon amour...all of me..." A palm moving across his chest and beneath his hair to his neck, she turned to sink a knee to his either side, perched there and drawing him closer, nails setting a path up his spine. "I will remain high above you, brightest of all moons, to keep you trained on me, never wishing to waver....as you will know me to always be there for you and you alone..." She knew how the men looked at them, and she wondered if they were wishing to know something as strong as what they were witnessing.

It was not something fleeting, it was something that held sustenance, it could not be denied....even by a perfect stranger. "I love you...." When she said those words, they failed in definition...the woman who had words for everything...found herself unable to express the most powerful thing of all. Slipping from his lap, her intention had not been to distract him from what he was doing....the grin returning.

 "I will go change before we go.." Fingertips already sliding the shirt over her head as she met the stairs. "I won't be long.."

 He picked up the quill again, his eyes never leaving the dark haired Greek.  Shirt slowly revealed her dark skinned back, hair pulled aside as the shirt went over head.  It may have been a fraction of a second, but to him it passed in slow motion. He could replay every movement with clarity, right down to the wisps of hair catching in her passing.  He turned back to his journal.

There is a spot on the back of Shai's neck that I can't seem to get enough of.  It calls to me from across the room and I often find that my arms are wrapped about her, my lips re-acquainting themselves to the place.  Do you think she knows how it obsesses me?  Could she be taunting me with it on purpose?  Am I really complaining...no...I don't care if it is done on purpose, so long as it is me she does it for.

She's upstairs now, and I'm sorry to cut this short old man, but there is a place that needs to have my absolute attention.

The quill was dropped to the table, the nib dripping black spots to the page he had been writing on.  Kruger was well away and up the stairs, journal all but forgotten.  A muffled feminine laugh would have been heard, if there were any there to listen.

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #13 on: June 23, 2012, 06:53:53 PM »
The journal was open on the nightstand.  His normal thoughts of secrecy were muted here.  


19 June

I made it, I don?t know that the past was about to repeat itself.  I reacted period.  Giovanni and his brothers pulled me out.  I knew what I was doing, I know where it would have ended.  You do too so don?t judge me.  I told you once a while back that the monster was to be embraced.  He was with me I could feel his thoughts, my thoughts.  They were cold, calculating even.  I don?t always approve of the things he gives me, this I would have risen to.  I would have ended what I deemed to be an unrighteous act with another unrighteous act, and would have felt nothing for it.

My term of pain before had always been about letting myself be consumed.  This was what I needed to learn, that sometimes a man needs to be that consumed.  There are things out there worth ripping your soul apart for.  Shai?s well being is one of those things.    I discovered something about the monster though, as Shai sat curled on my lap.  He was with me then, loving her, the knowledge didn?t shock me so far as I would have expected it to.  From there I made a bit of a leap in thinking.  The monster is part of me, the part that feels so strongly it won?t be denied.  Is this a side effect of carrying the Katana for so long?  I suppose it could be, but I suspect that this is the reason that it affected me so all consumingly.  The monster in me loves Shai, as much as any can be loved I think.  Is this something that needs to be concerning me?  If you mean do I worry that I will need to battle the monster for her affections no. The monster is me, the ugliest and most beautiful parts of me.  It is the pulling sensation that comes when I want so badly to hold to her.    

Understand old man that I know the monster to be every feeling I ever have and part of myself.  This person writing now, that is the rational me.  The one who steps outside and analyzes what needs to be done.  That is great if it is a project that needs attending to, but a decision like last night?  Rational stepped aside for more appropriate heads to decide.  Rational is generally absent from decision making abilities when it comes to making love as well.  The act doesn?t need to be thought over and dissected.  It needs action, willingness to feel so deeply that mutual desire is achieved.  The man writing this doesn?t have that, he won?t ever have that.  I have come to grips with my duality; logic applied rationally will usually justify my actions to myself.  I am willing to endure the consequences without foisting fault upon that side of me that refuses to give in.  My world has changed, my mind has changed with it.  

Kruger

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Re: Mental Notes-Journal of a Blacksmith (Some Mature Themes)
« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2012, 03:39:29 PM »
The darkness wasn?t absolute; a tiny candle was aflame on the desk.  The night had been long and sleepless.  He sat before his journal as he had done many times before but not for a very long time it seemed.  He only seemed to pick the thing up when he had more thoughts than he had the ability to resolve at the same time.  Things had been good, better than good really the issues while not small had seemed to be manageable.  Seemed was the word that kept sticking in his head though.  Kruger wondered if he had gotten too comfortable, or perhaps he had reached the limit of what the universe had allotted him for continuous days of simple life.

The scratching of the nib wasn?t loud on his journal, but he was sure that Shai would be listening to it.  She hadn?t slept the way she once had, that of course was understandable in light of what had happened.  Kruger honestly didn?t expect her to find much in the way of real rest for some time to come.  He hoped only that he had eliminated any doubts she may have had over his reactions.  Their lovemaking had been driven by the needs of both of them, him to prove she was still everything to him.  He could only guess at what it was she took away from the night.

11 August

I know it has been many weeks since I have needed to find myself lost within your pages.  The truth of it is that I don?t like you.  You are the bitter aftertaste of yesterday?s coffee to me, but you are mine.  So I will pen another page for you in vile discontent.  To say that I am angry is an understatement; you and I both know the extent I have gone to before.  I am not above doing that again; problem is that I have no one clearly guilty left to do it to.  This Jericho that sits on our land, and benefits from our larder could have become a good place to seek vengeance.  Only I don?t know that he was truly involved with the situation.  I wanted to kill him.  My blade tasted his blood; this was not meant to be at the time.  

The other one though?I won?t say murder, for that is not what happened and you know it.  That death while fitting was certainly less painful than painstaking love I would have put into his death.  He needed to linger over his actions but I don?t think he even understood right from wrong at the end.  I don?t believe he had understanding of much of anything beyond a sick need to keep Belglade free of people.  This particular idea?thought?no compulsion is a better word.  This particular compulsion to drive us away netted him a surprise I don?t think he was ready for.  Not because I know it to be so, but because if I think it any other way I will lose what control I have managed through all of this.  

Does Shai know that I draw that strength of will from her or has the rape consumed enough of her thoughts that she doesn?t notice?  I can?t say because I don?t know.  I asked her to come away with me for a time.  A week, a month?two perhaps, any amount of time to mend and rebuild.  I don?t think this will happen though, she is quite right when she says that there is too much to do and very little time left before it must be endured through the winter.  Perhaps we could go for the winter that would be enjoyable, south to the sun and time alone.  I honestly don?t know if that will happen either, there is never an end to things going on here.

She lies close by, but I still feel her eyes on me.  I will be confronting this Jericho issue in the morning.  If he proves his worth, then I have some work for him.  Someone needs to approach the others out there; I doubt they would let me get close enough to talk.  Jericho may be the only hope of resolving this without bloodshed.  

I am going to leave you here; I still hate you for what it means when your pages are open and being filled with my
thoughts.[/i]