Author Topic: Armored Vigilante, Like, Totally Hot Sh*t  (Read 32 times)

Darien Fenner

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Armored Vigilante, Like, Totally Hot Sh*t
« on: April 15, 2011, 01:19:26 PM »

[size=9]Amelia Enderwood: Satirist[/size]

Armored Vigilante, Like, Totally Hot Sh*t
April 15, 2011

*An unidentified local hero in RhyDin declared today that he was by far the biggest badass in the entire city following a gallant rescue made in the Crimson Wyvern Tavern Monday.

"There was, like, this lady who was all, 'Oh my god, there is a werewolf outside!'," said the unknown warrior in a following interview. "So I was all? Werewolves? Psht! Those are like, so beneath me."

Matthew Summers, high-school mascot for the RhyDin Wolverines, attested later to the hero's brilliance with proud tears in his eyes while lounging gloriously in traction.

"I was just walking away from our school parade, and next thing I know I'm being pummeled to a bloody pulp. He hit me so hard I could feel my exposed bones and innards chafing the inside of my suit. Oh, god, the smell was horrible."

Added Summers: "Still... as I screamed at him, asking what I ever did to deserve this, I couldn't help but think about what a freaking badass he was."

But the charity did not stop there. Not half an hour later the noble man in armor was spotted saving a helpless woman who appeared to be the victim of sexual assault within the tavern. Sources claim that in only four seconds the anonymous champion tore the assailant off the woman and broke his pelvis in three places before snapping his neck effortlessly. As he departed to raucous applause, the victim wept with relief for her savior as she hovered over the evil assailant's dead body.

"Oh, my Billy! What am I supposed to do now?! I can't have this baby alone!" shrieked the woman gratefully.

"I tell you what. In a world of badasses, that there was one pretty bad badass," commented an onlooker of the incidents.

While the hero refused to answer any questions as to his identity, he did suggest to his adoring public that his actions should not go unrewarded.

"Come on. I am, like, totally hot sh*t. I mean, if you want to erect a statue that'd be cool. Or I could just make it for you. Because, you know, I am such a total badass."

In a telephone interview today, the hero also informed the press that he was proud to fulfill his civic duty in such a mind-blowing act of awesomeness, and that other citizens should aspire to be half as <CENSORED> magnificent as him. He also assured the criminals of RhyDin that they should tremble and flee in the face of his sheer <CENSORED> majesty.

In related news, the Watch is asking for help in locating the vandal who left foot-sized holes in the ground all freaking over the place.

[size=9]*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.[/size]