Author Topic: Letters to the Columns  (Read 1646 times)

Darien Fenner

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February 24th.
« Reply #30 on: February 24, 2010, 03:14:22 PM »

[size=9]Amelia Enderwood: Satirist[/size]

Article Responses!

Dear Miss Enderwood,

I will have you know, I take offense to the stereotypes you use in your article ?Women in Dueling: Scuffing the Glass Ceiling.? Since I became a professional feminist, the cats just started arriving, and every time I pointed out a misogynistic occurrence, I discovered another, or another one showed up. It?s not my fault if I excel in being thorough. As a woman, I expect you to understand that better than most. I hope you are proud of writing for such a sexist and discriminatory newspaper.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Barbara Jimenez



Dear Mrs. Jimenez,

Thank you for confirming my earlier suspicions of a scarcity of humor in the feminist movement. Please give your cats my regards.
[img:56a64444ff]http://i.imgur.com/p4b4I.gif[/img:56a64444ff]

Darien Fenner

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March 4th.
« Reply #31 on: March 05, 2010, 02:09:54 PM »
Published Announcements!


[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Quote
Harold Ryan Lee, son of Myon and Sandra Lee, on Tuesday, March the ninth, will be marrying Montgomery Edward Scott, son of Caitlyn Scott. Harold was born and raised in New Jersey, in the United States, on Earth. He was born in 1977 and will be celebrating his thirty-third birthday on the Ides of March this year. Scotty was born and raised in Aberdeen, Scotland on Earth, born in the year 2222 and recently celebrated his nineteenth birthday on March the third.

Currently, the two make their home in Room Sixteen of the Red Dragon Inn, having moved to Rhy'Din in early November of last year. Harold works for Mai Silverblood and Lowe & d'Thalia Shipping as a bookkeeper, and Scotty works for Mai as a manager, and as a mechanic at GAME. They have been together since early September of last year.


RhyDin! You heartless group of misfits! How could you wait until now to officially give us the run-down on this killer couple? I feel betrayed! Utterly hurt and yet ridiculously enthusiastic! The Dreamy Scot is skyrocketing in popularity lately, and I know that a bunch of us here at the Post are totally thrilled to see him happy. It?s supposed to be the wedding and after party of the season, apparently, and I know I honestly can?t wait to hear all about it. A bunch of us here would kill for an invite to that shindig!

Pictures, gentlemen! Let us know how it turns out! And absolutely best of luck in your new lives together, from all of us here at the Gossip Column!
[img:56a64444ff]http://i.imgur.com/p4b4I.gif[/img:56a64444ff]

Darien Fenner

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March 6th.
« Reply #32 on: March 07, 2010, 03:40:45 PM »
Help! RhyDin Relationships are Driving Me Nuts!


[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Yo, Bane!

My girlfriend and I have been having a little problem with communication, and are constantly disagreeing about what constitutes quality time together.  I realize that being in a committed relationship means sticking with someone through the ups and downs, but there are times when a guy just needs some time to himself, you know? Like when I?m unwinding after work, when I feel like having a beer with the guys, or when once a month under the full moon I lose all sense of cognizant thought in a horrifying lycanthropic transformation that leaves me a mindless killing machine. Normally I?d just like to spend that time alone, chained securely to a permanent object in order to prevent the high-pitched screams of hapless, terrified human beings as I stalk them through the woods, yearning to sink my elongated, razor sharp canines into their throats and spill their blood across the forest floor. But no. My girl never fails to be on hand that day, insisting that she ?loves me for who I am? and is determined to ?reach me? when I am in that senseless, bloodthirsty form. We go through it every month! As my gargled, shouting plea for her escape degenerates into a primal howl, she stands there, petrified with sheer terror. Only when I lunge for her neck does she finally decide to move. And then she gets all ticked off at me when I chase her until the wee hours of the morning, longing to crush her skull with one hand. Then, only when I awake with my clothing in tatters and spattered with some animal?s blood that I don?t recognize, does she give me a ridiculously hard time. Does she not understand that I wanted to be alone in the first place? I mean come on. There is a time of the month when I can?t stand to be around her, too. The least she could do is repay the favor.

Yours truly,
Needing Space in South RhyDin


Dear Needing Space,

Haunting images that will likely induce nightmares for years to come aside, it sounds to me like your girl is lacking a little bit of confidence. She?s well aware of these repeat occurrences, and yet she is determined to relive them every month? It sounds like we might have a level one clinger on our hands!

If I were you, I would assert my position in the relationship. Stand firmly on your insistence of some small degree of separation, at least for a little while. And if she is uncomfortable with that? Perhaps find some medium you both can agree upon. Maybe she can spend one of the three minutes of your transformation fussing over your relationship, and the other two running for safety and shrieking in terror. Or perhaps she could attempt to make conversation with you during this time while you are safely locked inside a titanium cage. Nothing might come out of it, but hey. You tried, right?

Best of luck, and always remember to let there be space in your togetherness!
[img:56a64444ff]http://i.imgur.com/p4b4I.gif[/img:56a64444ff]

BardGallant

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Re:
« Reply #33 on: March 23, 2010, 05:49:31 PM »
Dear Emmet,

Whoever the charlatan is claiming that I owe him or her money, don't believe a word of it.  If you receive any further such claims, do be sure to direct them to my accountant, Owen Cash. He can be contacted by writing to Rhy'Din P.O. Box 0000, care of Haha Jokesonyou.

As an aside, it does appear as if you "Post-People" do indeed have amazing super powers. I'm back from an unexpected vacation. Well done with those magical powers of yours. Dreams really do come true, except for the money part.

Yours truly,

S. Driscol
[img:eea04645d3]http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/21300000/Robert-Sheehan-misfits-e4-21338922-500-264.gif[/img:eea04645d3]

Aya Hayashibara

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Re:
« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2010, 07:40:34 PM »
To the Sports Editor.

I will be seeking Chris Reed in regards to his comments about kittens.

That is all.

H.A.

HGLowe

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Re:
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2010, 11:38:09 PM »
Dear Post:

As you said, "After all, we?re still here, aren?t we?"

We were here before we had a governor, and I would argue as someone who has been here for over a decade, we managed well enough without one.  Since the governorship has come into being, frankly I have seen very little in the way of change in Rhy'Din of the type brought about by a government, citywide or otherwise.

We citizens, for the most part, provide our own security, our own justice system and our own business regulation.  A fine example of this was the recent invasion at the Shamrock Shindig -- I did not see the Watch turn out.  There was no Watch out there.  Only us, and our willingness to defend our city and each other.

While I fully understand the desire for there to be a government entity in Rhy'Din, Mister Simon is incorrect as to whether his decisions have affected this city in any truly meaningful way.  Government arises from civilization, and Rhy'Din is a mostly uncivilized realm.  This is not necessarily a bad thing; individuals make or break private contracts, provide each other security or services and freely associate in a manner that works and has worked for years.  Business and Nexus-travel brings new things into the realm, and it is a constantly shifting, chaotic place.  Sometimes it's violent, sometimes it's not, but it is chaotic.

While I also understand Mister Simon's desire to take credit for somehow changing the face of it... he hasn't.  Rhy'Din is what it is, and what it will always be, and the true decency and change can only come from the ground, and the individual.  Not from the tower, or some relatively meaningless office.  Regardless, good luck to the candidates; if the office pleases them, so be it.

But I thought it prudent point out that we would be here, governor or no.

Thank you.

-H.G. Lowe

BardGallant

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Re:
« Reply #36 on: April 20, 2010, 04:17:16 PM »
Dear Mr. Fenner,

In your April 19th article, "The 2010 Gubernatorial Debate: An Evaluation," you ask the question concerning my proposed Health Awareness Program, "what exactly will go into these lists that Driscol is planning to publish?"  Allow me a moment, if you will, to clear away the ridiculous misconception presented to you by Dr. Ergin-Falconne.

The notion that such a comprehensive database would include "personal information" is an absurd one, and I am baffled as to where Dr. Ergin-Falconne could have possibly imagined such a ludicrous idea.  My proposed Health Awareness Program would only include such public information as necessary to allow the Rhy'Din populace to research specific medical care specialists in order to find one to meet both their physical and financial needs.  This program is also not proposed to be mandatory, but purely voluntary.  Only those doctors and healers who are seeking to improve their own businesses by advertising their existence need apply.  If a medical care specialist such as Dr. Ergin-Falconne chooses not to involve herself in such a program, that is entirely her decision and, I dare say, her loss.

Understand that if I were to be elected governor, I would do nothing without the full support and consent of the majority of Rhy'Din's population.  I agree completely with Deputy Executive Officer Aurene when he says that Rhy'Din has no rulers.  Rhy'Din does not need a ruling body so much as it needs a positively influential voice of the people.  Were my suggestion of registration to be accepted by the people, know that this too would not be mandatory.  I have no plans of enforcing any laws in which the people are not in full majority support of themselves.

As I said at the debate, I will keep no secrets from the people. Should you like a full synopsis of my proposed Health Awareness Program, I would be more than happy to oblige.  One need only ask.  It is also my best advice to remind certain individuals that making assumptions about what one does not know results only in making one out to appear the fool.

Best regards,

Sheridan "Dris" Driscol
Gubernational Candidate
[img:eea04645d3]http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/21300000/Robert-Sheehan-misfits-e4-21338922-500-264.gif[/img:eea04645d3]

Maranya Valkonan

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Re:
« Reply #37 on: April 20, 2010, 06:34:32 PM »
Dear Mr. Fenner,

I wish to clear up a gross misinterpretation of the facts that has been put forth by Mr. Driscol in a recent letter to the Post.

Contrary to what Mr. Driscol has stated, I am not in opposition to a central registry for medical personnel of all types.  On the contrary, I am highly in favor of such a registry.

What I am in opposition to is if the Registry compiles personal information on said personnel, and makes that publicly available.

As to where I got that "ludicrous idea", it was from the question that I was posed by a member of the Post staff, which was as follows:

"As a healthcare professional, what do you think of Sheridan Driscol's idea to compile the personal and professional information of healers into one particular source? Do you feel it will prove effective? Do you feel it is an invasion of privacy?"

And my published in the Post answer, with the most significant portion bolded and underlined, that Mr. Driscol skimmed over in his rush to misinterpret my words:

?Compiling the professional information on healers and other medical professionals into an easily accessible central directory is an idea that has been long overdue in its implementation, and I for one fully support it,? said Ergin-Falconne. ?However, compiling their personal information can be seen as an invasion of privacy, and I cannot in good conscience support that facet of the compilation effort. My personal lifestyle does not have any bearing on the quality of health care that I can provide."

Once again, I am in favor of compiling a central directory of available and qualified medical personnel.  I would gladly include myself and other members of Riverview Clinic's staff in such a registry, should one come to be compiled.

Sincerely,

Maranya T. Ergin-Falconne
Chief of Staff
Riverview Clinic
"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion." - Heinlein
"The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship." - Heinlein

Darien Fenner

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May 2.
« Reply #38 on: May 02, 2010, 01:43:51 PM »
Published Announcements!


[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Alystrianna D'Vaustaival and Wolvinator

Quote
Alystrianna D?Vaustaival and Wolvinator engaged in marital union on May 1, 2010, during the Beltane festivities in the RhyDin Glen. The two were married by Colleen MacLeod after the lighting of the bonfire, and exactly two years after their engagement.

Alystrianna, daughter to Gerard D'Vaustaival and Lucretzia D'Vaustaival, was the May Queen of Beltane in 2009, and will be celebrating her one hundred sixty-fourth birthday on December 29. Wolvinator, son to Harrison Ahdee'khee and Kaitlyn Ahdee'khee, and Rear Admiral and Starfleet and Special Operations Manager, will celebrate his fifty-ninth birthday on the twelfth of May. Wolvinator was given the title of Green Man during the 2009 Beltane festivities.

The two currently make their home at the Wolvinator Estate in New Haven.

Both would like to thank all those who made Beltane possible, and individually, Lilliana McClae, Colleen MacLeod, and Another Shiny Knight.



RhyDin, my loves! This is why I love you! Pure, drink-induced impulsiveness! Alright, alright. Maybe this particular wedding wasn't that impulsive, but really! Is not Beltane the most interesting place to tie the knot? This union has loooong been in the works, it seems, so allow me to be the first of all of us to say...

It's about damn time!

That off my chest, I and the rest of us here at the Post offer our most heartfelt congratulations to the new couple. When the amazingly beautiful children start coming (start, being the operative term here. We fully expect at least five. We're taking bets) please, oh, pleaaaaase invite us to the shower!

Congratulations, you two!
[img:56a64444ff]http://i.imgur.com/p4b4I.gif[/img:56a64444ff]

Darien Fenner

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Re:
« Reply #39 on: May 03, 2010, 02:13:08 AM »
Article Responses!


[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Dear Mr. Bane,

I would appreciate it if you would check your sources a little more carefully before making assumptions. I am not sure why you would feel the need to label me a 'moocher', but considering that I own and operate my own rather successful restaurant, I would ask that you retract your statement. As for the nature of my relationship with Riley O' Rourke, that is none of your business at all.

Thank you,
Daniel Tej
[img:56a64444ff]http://i.imgur.com/p4b4I.gif[/img:56a64444ff]

Ducii

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Letters to the Column
« Reply #40 on: May 14, 2010, 05:06:51 PM »
Dear Mr. Bane,

I've been having these unbelievable, horrifying dreams about being bound by a minotaur and having jam licked off of me. It's horrible! I can't even stand the smell of strawberries anymore, it terrifies me! I'm scared to go to sleep at night! I don't want anymore snorts in my ears, or to feel horns against my skin. It's awful! I wake up in the morning covered in sweat and I swear it feels like I'm sticky from jam.

Do you have any suggestions on how I could possibly vanquish this devil and these horrid thoughts? I just want to sleep again! Please help me, and soon! I don't know if I can go another night without sleep!

-Bondage and Jam Dreamer
Playing with the Deuce of Hearts,
knowing it ain't really smart.
The joker ain't the only fool
who'll do anything for you.

[img:0d6ebcf1cc]https://33.media.tumblr.com/bac8606979ba38d359517626882d0e1b/tumblr_inline_nh9xoq42Ao1rn8lmu.gif[/img:0d6ebcf1cc]

Darien Fenner

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Re:
« Reply #41 on: May 14, 2010, 09:51:16 PM »
Article Responses!


[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]


Dear Bondage and Jam:

I really never thought in my whole life that I would ever use those two words in the same sentence. But hey, I?m young? ish. And I?m in RhyDin. I suppose there?s always a first time for everything, right?

B? No. On second thought, I have decided not to abbreviate that name. Before you totally freak out and swear off beef and preserves for the rest of your life, take a deep breath! Dreams are not always what they seem, you know.

A lot of experts have said that sexual dreams are a means to compensate for inadequacies or what is lacking in real life. For instance, a young boy that has been controlled by his parents his whole life may suddenly morbidly dream about killing himself. This does not make him suicidal. Suicide is the ultimate example of self-control - of taking your life into your own hands and choosing what to do with it. So the fact that you?re having the wild and kinky dreams could mean one of several things. It could mean that you are feeling the subconscious desire to be more adventurous in your life (or sex life. Who knows?). The fact that it deals with bondage could mean that you are feeling like you have too many options available to you regarding a particular subject, and you need some help really nailing down exactly what you should do, or need someone to at least push you in the right direction and tell you what to do.

Then again, you could really just have a passionate thing for minotaurs. I?m no psychiatrist.

First things first, I would go to a sleep center and consult a specialist. If you?re going nuts over these things, people can help you at an anatomical level through certain drugs, sleep therapy, or even dream walking (if you?re not averse to magic alternatives).

If all that doesn?t work for you, I would sit myself down and reexamine my life! What do you think you?re missing? Which part of your life is lacking? Your work life? Recreational life? Your love life? Maybe some part of your life needs to be paid more attention to!

That being said, your crazy, kinky dreams certainly demonstrate that you have a wiiiiild side, even in your subconscious. Just know that every now and then, it?s O.K. to go a little nuts!

Now, if you?ll excuse me, I?m going to go and throw out my jam selection. I don?t think I?ll ever look at it the same way again.
[img:56a64444ff]http://i.imgur.com/p4b4I.gif[/img:56a64444ff]

Kalinda Acheron

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Re:
« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2010, 05:48:32 PM »
Dear Mr. Chris Reed, c.o. RhyDin Post:

Of course, I'd be happy to give you a personal autograph of your fabulous poster.  As well, perhaps we could discuss the possibility of other poses and outfits for future depictions?

xoxoxo,

Kalinda Acheron
I remember the words of the misguided fool
do unto others as you'd have them do
not an eye for an eye as the golden rule
just leaves a room full of blind men.

Dave Matthews.

Scotty

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Re:
« Reply #43 on: July 02, 2010, 08:38:50 PM »
Dear Emmet,

No, no dropping off the face of the planet.  Work's been busy with the summer season, in both our jobs, which accounts for our recent absense.  But thank you kindly for the wonderful writeup, and we're still both shocked and touched we're even newsworthy.  It'll be a few years before I'm ready for children, but they're definitely somewhere down the road.  Until then, we can dote on everyone else's.

Love,
Scotty

Darien Fenner

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Re:
« Reply #44 on: July 07, 2010, 04:52:07 PM »
Help! RhyDin ITSELF is Driving me Nuts!


[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Bane!

We have got to talk about these fuzzy half-cat-people with their sex-crazed magical doohickeys. As if Rhydin weren?t randy enough, now we have pheromone-flinging felines trying to wind us up and only further the insta-babies stereotype? I stepped into a ring with one the other day, and I swear to all things holy, I had completely forgotten I was dueling until he completely demolished me. Well of course people are going to lose if they?re constantly thinking about you-know-what! Not that I?m a sore loser or anything, but all I?m saying is that Rhydin has enough problems without these Kirn making us live and breathe sex. Seriously!

Yours truly,
Distracted Duelist



Dear D.D.:

Well I?m certainly glad you clarified the ?fuzzy half-cat-people? part of your accusation, because I can?t tell you how many fuzzy half-cat-people we have floating around RhyDin. Probably about as many insta-babies, as you call them.

Before I continue, let me point out that while you may not be a sore loser, everything is considered fair game once you step inside a dueling ring. RhyDin has a plethora of unique talents and levels of skill, and as of yet there is absolutely no way (or reason) to regulate what goes on inside the three sports. By agreeing to a duel with someone, you are automatically subjecting yourself to any of your opponent?s talents - a sort of verbal contract, as it were. Thus, what happens on the Isle or Arena stays on the Isle or Arena. Catch my drift?

That aside, because I am such a good guy, I decided to investigate a few of your claims myself by catching up with one of these Kirn and asking him about his ?pheromone flinging.? But before you yell, I know what you?re going to say. Emmet, you ridiculously handsome and charming hunk of deliciousness! You don?t interview! What is this madness? Relax, RhyDin! I?m not interviewing. I leave that to my other perky-yet-heartless colleagues. In this case, I seek only to learn about these magical doohickeys and what?sm-boppers. So let?s talk a little about them, shall we?

The ?doohickeys? you refer to, D.D., are actually part of a subdivision of magical experimentation called Blue Magic. Our boy Bru?l tells me that it can be considered the art of pleasure from an arcane approach. Now, like all things arcane (or all things in general), Blue Magic can be considered harmful if it is used improperly.

?But, when used as intended, it is as safe as absolutely possible,? assured Bru?l.

Blue Magic undoubtedly has many practical uses, many of which revolve around simple relaxation techniques and even procreation assistance (as if we need any of that). But as you?ve pointed out, D.D., the obvious Blue Magic we have been seeing recently has been generally restricted to inside the dueling rings. The reason for this seems to be to maintain an air of discipline and to ensure the safety of its users and recipients.

?I always ask first [before using Blue Magic],? said Bru?l. ?It is only proper!?

Well there you have it, D.D. Unless a duelist explicitly agrees to having Blue Magic used on them, these folk are courteous enough not to use it.

?We, as Blue Mages, do nothing with our magic without permission,? added Bru?l. ?And further, we are always careful not to carry anything too far. It's part of our training!?

Thus, the pheromone flinging is purely optional. And while I?ve never tried it, so I can?t exactly sanction the practice, I have heard that it?s an? interesting experience. So there you go. Live dangerously.

Oh, and one more thing, D.D. RhyDin already lives and breathes sex. Where have you been?

Stay sassy!
[img:56a64444ff]http://i.imgur.com/p4b4I.gif[/img:56a64444ff]