Help! RhyDin Relationships are Driving Me Nuts!
[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]Dear Emmet,
I am so sick of all this PDA around Rhydin! The Red Dragon Inn has rooms, so why can?t people learn to go somewhere private if they want to be all over each other? Just once I?d like to be able to have a drink in peace without seeing some Rated R action going on. If I want a show, I?ll go to a strip joint!
First of all, what exactly do you mean when you say ?Rated R?? If you have an unworldly view of things, Rated R could mean a peck on the cheek in a passing exchange! Judging by your amount of distaste, though, I imagine you?re talking about a little more hands-on behavior.
There are a few guidelines to acceptable public behavior when it comes to your sweetheart, RhyDin. So listen up. When it comes to touching, observe the four-fingered rule.
This means no grabbing, groping, mauling, pawing, or clawing. When around your honey, having a hand on their hip, back, or arm is totally A-O.K., as long as it does not involve using the thumb (goosing, pinching, etc?). The exception here is, of course, handholding. Handholding is great, RhyDin. It?s a subtle way of showing that you?re into someone without giving your viewers an eyeful. When in public, observe a kissing quota that you can fulfill in installments of varying degrees.
Abide by a modest quota here, lovebirds! Said quota can be satisfied by a number of innocent cheek kisses, or it can be exhausted all at once by a single make-out sesh. That?s all well and good, RhyDin. Believe me, I?m all for getting a good look at whose relationships are still kicking. But if you?re going to be playing tonsil hockey, get it done, get it over with, and move on to enjoy your evening! Less is more when it comes to endearments.
It certainly triggers my gag reflex when I hear about what Jane Doe?s cuddly wuddlekins is going to do to his angel muffincake when they get home. Waaaaaaay too much information, children. If you?re going to get sappy or scandalous, keep your comments to yourself, or learn another language to have those conversations. Or better yet, make up your own! Have some creativity. Honestly!
All that aside, I am super stoked to see so much love in the air. But PG, the tone of your letter concerns me? so much so that I simply must question whether or not yours is a case of sour grapes. If you?ve got a honey, get him or her off the sofa and have them take you out to spark things up again. If you haven?t, realize that some couples are just a lot more physical about expressing their love than others. I?m not talking about getting busy in the middle of a bar. But as a gossip columnist, I look forward to seeing which couples are or are not on the rocks. Abide by these rules (mostly), and I?m fairly confident everyone will be satisfied. It?s your life, though, RhyDin! Just have a little bit of class!