Author Topic: To My Daughters, Winter and Aurora...  (Read 186 times)

WilliamBlackmoon

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To My Daughters, Winter and Aurora...
« on: October 25, 2018, 03:51:57 PM »
To my daughters, Winter and Aurora,

I am sorry. Do with these memories of my life as you will. Burn them. Read them. Wipe your backside with them. Despite the countless ways I have failed you, I have always loved you. I will continue to love you and pray that one day I will be worthy of having you in my life again.


A Sobering Task

I have honestly stared into the flames of the inn fire for days, wondering how this will start and where it will take me. I reveled the idea to leave a piece of my history behind for my daughters to have since they had not had me in their lives, really. But as I tried to pick out key moments of my life, ones that would make you proud of your Blackmoon lineage, I realize that my life has been not been as heroic as I has hoped. In fact, this entire feat has been very sobering.

Let me preclude with this. I am not a good man, not at all. What Sarah, Beth, and Cayt saw in me wasn't a good man; it was a bad man doing bad things for good. I am by far the sinner rather the saint, even as a dedicated, branded healer.

I feel that is the only thing I had ever been good at, being bad, destroying things, lives, hopes, kingdoms. Look at Cayt. Even though I helped save her homeland, Geladine, I destroyed her in the process. I destroyed my fiercest love's life in order to triumph. You have know that to know the context of my words and the magnitude of my actions.

The other thing you need to know is that I wasn't born of two different worlds or live in two different realms. There is the Light and there is the Darkness. I have been accused of picking and choosing which world to live in based on my needs at the time. The fact of the matter is this: there is only one bleeding world!

It is within that ONE world that I have navigated and negotiated the perils of the Darkness and Light. I would choose one over the other depending on which suited my needs at the time regardless if the cost was too steep. I admit though that I have mostly fought for the Light, though I frequently would stray into the Darkness to do so. I am not a knight in shining armor and certainly likewise I am not a stable boy shoveling dung.

I will have to leave you with that for now. I know no other way to communicate it, to organize it, or to feel it. I am certain that as you journey through my life, it will become less complicated for you.

Love,
~W

WilliamBlackmoon

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Re: To My Daughters, Winter and Aurora...
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2018, 04:40:16 PM »
The Beginning

I don't remember much before I was transformed into a Guardian. I remember I was young when it happened. I remember having a brother, and still do, and remember we used to play and rough around. I was told that there was a raid on my village and that my parents were killed and I was gravely wounded and trapped within some rubble. I was told that my brother, Roanoke or Ro, found me and took me to a clearing to weep. He held me until what was supposed to be my death but the Guardians stole that death from me that day.

What are the Guardians? They are a race of wolf-shifters that were infused with the magic of Light and charged to keep the balance between Light and Dark in the world, from the time of Creation until now and beyond when I return to the earth.

Yoshi, the Leader of the Pack, was the one that found my brother weeping over me. He came in the form of a wolf and spoke directly into Roanoke's mind. He promised to shield me from death and promised me a life of honor and heroism. To a young boy's mind, that sounded like the best life in the world and Roanoke allowed him to infuse me and save my life. What a young boy's mind doesn't see are the horrors of that life, the horrors that must be survived to give it honor and heroism.

So Yoshi saved my life and took me away from Roanoke to live amongst the Pack and to serve the earth. It wasn't until later when I remembered I had a brother that I found him again. He was lonely and destitute and begged for me to take him to Yoshi to make him one of us.

I did and soon Roanoke became a Guardian like me and in doing so, started our entire Pack on a path that would nearly destroy it because of us. There was nothing the Blackmoon brothers couldn't accomplish together. We grew strong but Ro grew defiant whereas I tried to hold onto my morality despite a distant pull in my soul.

I would later discover that before the Light had taken me, the seeds of Darkness had already been implanted. I had kept those seeds a secret until after Yoshi had passed. I embraced the Darkness within me as much as I embraced the Light. Together, they made me strong. They made me stronger than Ro, or Yoshi, or the entire Pack for that matter.

That strength is for another time. For now, that is how I began. I must Hunt and gather my thoughts. There are so many that I desire to share with you, my lights. I pray that you find them all.

WilliamBlackmoon

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Re: To My Daughters, Winter and Aurora...
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2018, 04:02:52 PM »
NightFell...

This is my fifth attempt to describe NightFell and how she... it... came to be in this world, how I became its master and servant, and how my life changed. You have seen it resting in its scabbard on my side and you have seen her walking side-by-side with me.

Sarah never really knew the man I became after encountering the demoness. It was shortly before my wife had died so she was spared the aftermath. But not Cayt, my dearest Cayt.

Centuries before, an elderly, sickly warlock, tried to cheat death with his dark art and instead of granting himself immortality, he conjured a demoness into our world. The demoness could siphon the life's essence from living beings and "feed" it to the warlock, healing him and extending his life.

Rejuvenated and perverted by the power he had unlocked, he bound her to himself for eternity. Only his death could break that bond. He lusted for power and she lusted to feed. But all too soon did she realize how much power she had over men.

To the unknowning, she looked like a tempting treat, a sexy harlot looking for her next customer with little care for payment. Her figure burned into their minds. Her touch seared their flesh. They would give anything to be with her and she used that power of seduction to feed.

Eventually he began to lose control of her and it drove him mad. So the warlock forged a weapon, a sword, and banished her within it. Quickly he realized his mistake. In order for her to feed him the essence that allowed him to evade Father Time, he would have to kill his victim with the sword.

After nearly losing his life to a simple beggar's dagger, he worked to remedy his mistake and she became what she is today. She can move between both forms and can feed in either one. Her only bond now was to the command of her master and the warlock thought that would be enough.

So how did I end up with her/it? Bad luck. I was travelling to meet with the Pack after treaty talks broke down between two warring kingdoms. I was ambushed by brigands and in the skirmish I used NightFell to kill one of the men.

From that day forth I have been stuck in the nightmare of being shackled to the demoness. There are days it has its advantages but most days are trying. I refused to give into her flesh like, according to her, her previous masters had- daily. She provides me no comfort. She provides me no understanding. I could die and she would find another master without an errant thought of me.

I don't exactly know what terrible facet of my relationship with NightFell that caused so much pain to Cayt. I am sure I can confidently answer that questions with a single word: everything.

I am sure that she has caused you both pain as well. More so to Winter than Aurora I am sure but even the smallest amount of pain is too much for a parent to place on their child, regardless of the reason or cause. I often wonder what my life would have been like if it were not for that terrible day.

A part of me hoped I would have become a better man that I was but sadly most of my being knows that I would have continued to embrace the Darkness until I ultimately became the man I am today.

She calls to feed and the chains of weariness are weighing me down. That is all I have of her for now.

WilliamBlackmoon

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Re: To My Daughters, Winter and Aurora...
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2018, 04:47:27 PM »
What have I been?

I guess that is a loaded question right now and as this is my last piece of parchment, I cannot start over. The question should be been something like What occupations have I had? or What paths have I walked?

I will only mention my over-arching path, that of a Guardian because within that path I found many other side paths that have taken me in the same direction. So where to start? How about some of my noblest paths?

Healer...

My battle skills were still young and the Guardians had more warriors than you could imagine. However, healers were in short supply. Yoshi discovered I had a very strong mind and will and was able to leverage me to become a telekinetic healer. I really couldn't move things with my mind, no, but I was able to "urge" wounds to heal.

I learned to "see" into the wound with my mind and provide support to the cells to regenerate at a rapid pace. It really is a miracle but it is very taxing. Even after I bonded with NightFell, it was a struggle. Eventually the toll became too high. It started with nose bleeds and fainting. Once the hemorrhaging began, I had to stop and use traditional means.

Later in life I decided I had to make a choice between being a healer or being a warrior. I found it too ironic that I took as many lives, if not more, than I would heal. Since I was better at killing, I took the path of the warrior, though I would still heal if the circumstances were dire.

It has been decades since I have worn my healer's circlet, though I still have it saved somewhere.

Warrior...

I have been a warrior all of my life. I won't give that any more than a simple mention.

Diplomat...

After I left the Pack and entrusted it to Winter and Roanoke, I searched for a new calling. I became a diplomat. Now it wasn't for anyone in particular and it originally wasn't by an assertive choice. I was more like a negotiator, a hired gun for peace. Funny isn't it?

I remember being drunk in a bar in a tiny kingdom. I had an exceptionally horrendous night with NightFell and turned to the bottle instead of violence. A general and some knights came into the establishment to forcibly conscript any capable man to fight for their stubborn king.

Apparently their specialty was farming and a larger, neighboring kingdom was trying to take their land for the crops. They had even gone so far as to try to force a terribly unfair trade agreement with the smaller kingdom but it looked as though war was the only solution.

After all of the able-bodied men were taken away, the general ordered me taken as well. I tried to smooth-talk him until a club to the back of the head ended that. I woke up in a barracks where I had become the newest soldier to die for someone else's stubbornness. Throughout my entire time there, I continued to try to fast-talk my way out until I had, in a sense.

I joked that the king should send me to as an envoy to meet with the other king to work out a suitable arrangement for peace. My new king sent to do just that. I knew he wasn't serious. I had caused enough havoc that he figured that the worst thing that would happen would be my murder and he would not have to deal with me again.

My murder almost happened. Armed with my wit, my talents of the mind, and my thirst for battle- and NightFell, I convinced the enemy king to consider my offer. It was hard for him to refuse though. Several of his finest knights lay dead at his feet. A demoness killed anyone else that would enter his throne room, and I used my mind skills to urge his thoughts in the direction I wanted them to go.

After that, my career as a diplomat-for-hire took off. Eventually I had no need to shed blood, employ NightFell, or shape the thoughts of my counterparts. My reputation was enough to make those I bargained with to seriously consider the words I offered. I was wined and dined and bedded in the fanciest of places and lands near and far. Across seas and over mountains.

This was all after Cayt and I were no longer together though. As gratifying as it was, I still yearned to be in her arms and live a normal life with her. I knew that would never happen because I had no sense of what normal was. My life was a terrible storm that threatened everyone I came into contact with. I should have left her long before I did and spare her the pain.

I still miss her.

That's pretty much it. I drift through this life trying to find meaning again. I've tried healing and being a diplomat again but it never works. I suffer too greatly with bloodlust. I know that battle will not give me what I ultimately hope to find. I don't think anything will. I am sure the next few centuries will be as barren as the last few decades.

My canines itch. I must Hunt now.

WilliamBlackmoon

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Re: To My Daughters, Winter and Aurora...
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2018, 12:32:43 PM »
My Afflictions...

What drives me? Weakness. My weakness. On the outside, a most of the time, I appear strong and sure, in control of my faculties but that is far from the truth.

The only person that was capable of understanding my afflictions was Cayt. She saw a fraction of what lurked beneath the surface.

Roanoke sensed but he was more interested in using what he saw to gain an advantage rather than truly understanding what was happening inside of me. Had he taken the time to look into my mind and soul, he would have discovered an arsenal to use against me.

I wasn't always like this. Actually, I probably was but at the time couldn't understand or correctly identify it. For me, I started off like so many others had. I sought an honorable and noble life. Becoming a Guardian gave me that opportunity. What is more honorable or nobler than protecting the world against man's darkest evils? To fight for justice? To vanquish those bent on murdering the weak?

NightFell made it worse. She fed my afflictions and I blindly accepted it, for a time. Now, though I still feed from her, I at least recognize its affect on me.

Back to being honorable and noble. For a time, I was. I healed and later, fought in the name of justice and honor. But over time, everything I did was because of honor. I was lying to myself and convincing others what I was doing was right and just.

Lust for battle. What warrior doesn't lust for battle? None of them do. Battle is not something a true warrior embraces. War is the last chance for hope. It is the final, end medium used to right a wrong, correct an injustice, or protect those who cannot protect themselves. When the kings and queens, the nobles and diplomats, fail to resolve a conflict peacefully, they call upon their soldiers to defend their honorable way of life and beliefs. The keyword is honorable.

Just because a king wants to expand his kingdom doesn't mean that his intensions are honorable. They are selfish and greedy. They deserve defeat.

My lust for battle made me strong. I once fought for the righteous and justice. Then the Darkness seeped in and twisted my mind. I used it to lay waste to deserving enemies, like the time a band of brigands raided a farming caravan. We exacted justice upon them, not vengeance, not murder, but true justice. We captured those we could and only killed when forced to. They were tried and convicted and locked away to pay for their crimes.

Soon enough, I saw everyone as an enemy. If you didn't agree with my line of thought, you were my enemy. If you stood in my way for any reason, you were my enemy. Everyone became my enemy. I was alone in the world. I was the lone vessel for justice and I tried, judged, and executed everyone in my path.

I wish I could say that it was the Darkness that drove me to do such but truthfully it wasn't. The Darkness inside of me was nothing more than a tool, the same as the Light. In some instances, the Light infused within me drove me to advantage and eventual victory. Sometimes it was the Darkness.

I was my own cause for my afflictions. Had I chosen a more righteous path and stayed with either the Light or the Darkness, I am sure I would have become the noble, honorable man I had desired to be. Instead, I created conflict in my mind and body, allowing either the Light or Darkness to power me for a moment of heated battle. Eventually my biology broke down. It could not take being ripped back and forth.

But what about my mind? My strong mind? My mind is strong, physically, but my willpower was not. I succumbed to the strength the Darkness could give me. I succumbed to the strength the Light could give me. I succumbed to the fear of defeat.

A noble warrior would give his life to defend what he thought was right and just. I didn't want to give my life. Yes, I had given my life to defend Geladine, but that was before my afflictions truly took hold. Cayt knew of my struggles and constantly tried to help me, tried to convince me that embracing the Darkness was not worth the price even if it led to victory. She knew that it tore me up inside, that it burned my soul, switching between the Light and Darkness.

But how does one live with both engrained so deeply and physically inside that there is no way to rid your body of them? I do not believe many have had to deal with that. Most let one side consume the other until they are only filled with the Light or filled with the Darkness.

Perhaps I can be redeemed in the fact that I held onto the Light strong enough to prevent the Darkness from consuming me.

I am sorry for such a long rattle without much insight. It doesn't make much sense to me so I find it hard to put it into words. I only hope that you both can understand a sliver of this. I know you will judge me. I understand. It is your right. I will take my leave for now and try to remember some things that were "good" about me for next time.