What drives me? Weakness. My weakness. On the outside, a most of the time, I appear strong and sure, in control of my faculties but that is far from the truth.
The only person that was capable of understanding my afflictions was Cayt. She saw a fraction of what lurked beneath the surface.
Roanoke sensed but he was more interested in using what he saw to gain an advantage rather than truly understanding what was happening inside of me. Had he taken the time to look into my mind and soul, he would have discovered an arsenal to use against me.
I wasn't always like this. Actually, I probably was but at the time couldn't understand or correctly identify it. For me, I started off like so many others had. I sought an honorable and noble life. Becoming a Guardian gave me that opportunity. What is more honorable or nobler than protecting the world against man's darkest evils? To fight for justice? To vanquish those bent on murdering the weak?
NightFell made it worse. She fed my afflictions and I blindly accepted it, for a time. Now, though I still feed from her, I at least recognize its affect on me.
Back to being honorable and noble. For a time, I was. I healed and later, fought in the name of justice and honor. But over time, everything I did was because of honor. I was lying to myself and convincing others what I was doing was right and just.
Lust for battle. What warrior doesn't lust for battle? None of them do. Battle is not something a true warrior embraces. War is the last chance for hope. It is the final, end medium used to right a wrong, correct an injustice, or protect those who cannot protect themselves. When the kings and queens, the nobles and diplomats, fail to resolve a conflict peacefully, they call upon their soldiers to defend their honorable way of life and beliefs. The keyword is honorable.
Just because a king wants to expand his kingdom doesn't mean that his intensions are honorable. They are selfish and greedy. They deserve defeat.
My lust for battle made me strong. I once fought for the righteous and justice. Then the Darkness seeped in and twisted my mind. I used it to lay waste to deserving enemies, like the time a band of brigands raided a farming caravan. We exacted justice upon them, not vengeance, not murder, but true justice. We captured those we could and only killed when forced to. They were tried and convicted and locked away to pay for their crimes.
Soon enough, I saw everyone as an enemy. If you didn't agree with my line of thought, you were my enemy. If you stood in my way for any reason, you were my enemy. Everyone became my enemy. I was alone in the world. I was the lone vessel for justice and I tried, judged, and executed everyone in my path.
I wish I could say that it was the Darkness that drove me to do such but truthfully it wasn't. The Darkness inside of me was nothing more than a tool, the same as the Light. In some instances, the Light infused within me drove me to advantage and eventual victory. Sometimes it was the Darkness.
I was my own cause for my afflictions. Had I chosen a more righteous path and stayed with either the Light or the Darkness, I am sure I would have become the noble, honorable man I had desired to be. Instead, I created conflict in my mind and body, allowing either the Light or Darkness to power me for a moment of heated battle. Eventually my biology broke down. It could not take being ripped back and forth.
But what about my mind? My strong mind? My mind is strong, physically, but my willpower was not. I succumbed to the strength the Darkness could give me. I succumbed to the strength the Light could give me. I succumbed to the fear of defeat.
A noble warrior would give his life to defend what he thought was right and just. I didn't want to give my life. Yes, I had given my life to defend Geladine, but that was before my afflictions truly took hold. Cayt knew of my struggles and constantly tried to help me, tried to convince me that embracing the Darkness was not worth the price even if it led to victory. She knew that it tore me up inside, that it burned my soul, switching between the Light and Darkness.
But how does one live with both engrained so deeply and physically inside that there is no way to rid your body of them? I do not believe many have had to deal with that. Most let one side consume the other until they are only filled with the Light or filled with the Darkness.
Perhaps I can be redeemed in the fact that I held onto the Light strong enough to prevent the Darkness from consuming me.
I am sorry for such a long rattle without much insight. It doesn't make much sense to me so I find it hard to put it into words. I only hope that you both can understand a sliver of this. I know you will judge me. I understand. It is your right. I will take my leave for now and try to remember some things that were "good" about me for next time.