[size=11]I?m a trainwreck.
This is something I?ve accepted for a while now. It?s out of my control, really. I could get a job, get cleaned up, and I?d still be a disaster. Out of my siblings, I?m the only one who knows the truth. It?s a curse. My sisters and I? We?re not allowed to have happy lives. It?s just how it is. It?s not what we did, it?s not our fault. I was angry, for a long time over this. I tried to fight it, but it was one that I couldn?t win. The only thing I?any of us?can do, is numb it. Find happiness where we can. Happiness born in vices. Sex, drugs, alcohol? Mine is the second and third. I don?t know why I don?t just go for all three. Maybe it?s because the idea of getting close to someone scares the hell out of me.
I haven?t found my sisters yet, I don?t know if I ever will. But if I do? I wonder if I should tell them. How does one even go about saying something like that?
Hey, just so you know nothing you ever do will benefit you. You?re lucky if anything you do matters at all. Welcome to the family, sis!
I wish I had never known, honestly. At least then I might be something more than this jaded piece of ****. I might have dreams and aspirations instead of just waiting for the drugs to take their toll on my weathered body. I used to look at the day and not know what it was going to bring. I used to hope.
I used to try.
Now that I know there?s no point, it?s like my reason for existing is just gone?and I can?t even be angry about it anymore?because that would require feeling anything at all for it, and I just?don?t. From the information I?ve gathered, I?m the youngest. Shouldn?t I be the most hopeful? The bright-eyed one? Hell, maybe I am.
I?ve only known one of my sisters, my only full-blooded one. She?s gone now. I?d say to a better place, but? ****, what?s the point? She didn?t even get a proper burial.
She and I had so many plans? Probably too many. So many dreams and ways to actually be somebody, instead of a pair of sister street urchins. I?d give anything to scheme and dream with her just one more time. It wasn?t until she died that I knew the truth. Maybe it wasn?t the truth that took all the optimism from me, maybe it was her. I don?t know anymore. That was a long time ago.
I?m different now.