Author Topic: Three Year Long Hangover: This Week In Review!  (Read 239 times)

Darien Fenner

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Three Year Long Hangover: This Week In Review!
« on: March 04, 2017, 10:20:41 PM »

[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Three Year Long Hangover: The Week in Review!
March 4, 2017

RhyDin? I have seen things.

In the three years since I?ve written for the Post, there are some things I have seen which I will not disclose. I will not disclose where I?ve been or what I?ve been forced to work on (but let?s just say Dragonhood Maternity Magazine does not appreciate my cattiness). I will not disclose what my coworkers were debased to (hint: lubricant ads, and not the good kind), and I will not mention how we?re paying for this right now (bitcoin is universal, turns out). But I will tell you one thing RhyDin? You will never know how good you had it until you lost it. You will never appreciate the warmth of the Red Dragon Inn Hearth until you are huddled for heat crying over the last dying Rena Cronin candle because you re-gifted the last hundred because she basically gave them out for free. You will never appreciate that free booze or lack of a tab until you find out the vodka you?ve been drinking is really just antiseptic from the clinic dumpster next door but darn it if it hasn?t been the best thing you?ve had in months. You never experienced desperation. Not until you find your coworker locked in a closet rocking back and forth, singing ?Matt Smith Will Fight for Me? to the tune of ?One Day My Prince Will Come.?

I have seen things. I have attempted to crush a mutant roach in one of the ?temp? buildings they put us in with a fossilized biscuit I once got from Mira?s cigar cart. It only smiled, did a dance, and walked away.

I may be back, RhyDin. But daaaaaaaayum what the hell happened to the party after I left?!  

So from what I hear, brother bodybuilder (fifty credits says I can outbench him, though) Jochin and favorite blonde Duci have been long time splitzo. Have some patience with me, RhyDin, as I?m still playing catch-up. HOWEVER. This makes couple number three that was featured in publication competitor Nexus Weekly that has done poorly. That does it, folks. That magazine is cursed. If you are or ever were featured in it, you are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY. So stop buying them immediately and burn all your current copies. Yes, even the ones we published. And don?t buy any more until we own the magazine again. Anyway. Duci and Jochin must have parted ways amicably, because she was spotted in good sorts and Jochin was spotted chatting about the RhyDin dating scene with someone our sources needed a universal translator for. First impressions of this (Slavic? European? Whatever) chick are promising. She?s quite pretty and seems like she has a short temper. Short tempers make for good gossip. Keep an eye on this one.

Speaking of catch-up, thanks to Jochin, (who was nice enough to take a break during crunches to make a few introductions) we caught wind of a few new names hanging round the ?ol Red Dragon. Some guy named Schmidt (shameless plug: Knuckle Garage owner) was spotted chatting up cars with Kitten Killer?s gal. Gasp! Kitten Killer has a gal? OK, OK. To her credit, Nayun seems much more amiable than she once was, but we still find it hard to believe that you could ever even think about having fun with that stick in the mud. More power to her. Lisa, our sources say her name is, apparently met Nayun at a date auction and they?ve been going strong ever since. She seems to have the stronger personality, but at the same time Nayun?s made string cheese of one or two people in her life. Makes you wonder who wears the pants in the relationship. Whoever writes me the angry letter first gets the title. GO!

All I?m saying is thank GOD Thorn was there to class up the place. I like cars as much as the next guy, but between Jochin?s ego and Schmidt?s shop talk, I half expected them to rip off their shirts and compare abs.

Someone else named Ed shouted his name all over the inn at one point. Don?t you know that the way you?re supposed to grab someone?s attention is by being dark and mysterious? CoughMestenocoughcough. We can?t complain, though, because the way he was allllll over that other guy really reminds us of how great Scotty and Harold got along once upon a time (without the tongue action. Seriously). Remember Scotty and Harold? No? Am I that old? Tell me I'm still handsome. Be cute all you want, Ed, you will never achieve that greatness. Our optimism for couples died when Scotty and Harold moved away. THEY WILL NEVER BE REPLACED.

Crispin and Taneth were looking awful adorbs in the Annex recently! He certainly lit up when our second favorite blonde (we are willing to reconsider this rank if we get presents) dove into his arms, but not soon after reverted to quiet (and apparently uncomfortable) contemplation. This is what happens when you hang around duels. I don?t know if it?s the chaos and carnage or the boooooredom, but one thing I know is all it takes is time. One day you?re Koy Simon and the next day you?re Rachael Blackthorne. Soul. Gone. Puke. Get out while you still can, Cris.

That?s all I have for you right now, RhyDin. As the Post is still looking more permanent facilities, I will only be accepting bribes in the form of snacks and liquor (top shelf, please. I may be homeless, but I?m not a peasant). Hit us up with any gossip, and let us know about your lives (only if they?re interesting)!

Until next time, you stay sassy RhyDin!