Show Posts

Messages | * Topics | Attachments

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Topics - Darien Fenner

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 25
1
The RhyDin Post / Woman on Verge of Meltdown Going to Gun Down RDI
« on: March 05, 2017, 01:28:30 PM »

[size=9]Amelia Enderwood: Satirist[/size]

Area Woman on Verge of Psychological Meltdown Going to Gun Down RDI Patrons Unless Someone Eats her **** Brownies
March 5, 2017

*Muttering obscenities under her breath, Claire McGuillory was allegedly sighted glaring at passers by in the Red Dragon Inn Friday night while her award-winning brownies went untouched.

The brownies, which in fact were homemade and not from a mix (with no shortcuts!), had been prepared in the Red Dragon Inn kitchen and placed out on the bar counter for all patrons to enjoy free of charge. According to sources there was an assortment of the sweets available. Some included walnuts, while others included chunks of whole Hershey Kisses with a touch of Bailey?s Irish Cream; both kinds of brownies had been thoughtfully separated to account for any patrons with a nut allergy. Additionally, many of the hard edges had been sawed off from end pieces of the brownies and placed in a separate bowl, taking into consideration the naysayers in the debate of chewy versus soft and flaky brownies.

?It?s been two goddamn hours,? McGuillory said. ?People have glanced at those things a dozen times and kept walking. I swear to Anubis? nipples I?m going to gun down the next person to ignore my tasty treat.?

According to reports, McGuillory was seen hovering behind the Red Dragon Inn bar for several hours, watching in hysterical desperation as the thoughtful snack she so lovingly set out went unappreciated. In an effort to enhance the dessert?s presentation, McGuillory reportedly dusted the brownie bits with powdered sugar and provided pink lacy napkins for hygienic purposes. At one point a small, gleaming light of hope was extinguished when a patron took a napkin, only to blow his nose and leave the tissue beside the plate.

?There isn?t a damn thing wrong with brownies,? McGuillory continued, twitching. ?Everyone loves brownies. I?ll gut and flay the son of a **** like a red snapper who tells me he doesn?t like brownies.?

Bob Meesuch, who until then had enjoyed nearly daily treats provided by McGuillory, reportedly stayed near the booths, watching in terror as she made a death-like gesture at him by dragging her thumb across her neck and pointing to him, then the brownies.

?I couldn?t tell if she wanted me eat them, or if she was telling me they would kill me,? Meesuch said. ?Either way, that chick looked like she was about to freakin? lose it.?

According to close friends and family McGuillory has been going through some struggles in her personal life, but has been extremely careful about preventing morbid feelings from leaching into her day-to-day social interactions with other Red Dragon Inn patrons. She has been described as a ?RhyDin Angel? and ?unflappable? by those closest to her.

?Look at Andu,? chimed McGuillory, grinding her teeth together. ?Love him. So homely and sweet. But I swear to Christ if he doesn?t shove one of these mother**** nut bliss bars in his face I will cut his head off and mount it on my windshield.?

Added McGuillory later, flamethrower in hand: ?He said he?d try one and then he never did. I?m about to go ape**** on his stupid furry ****.?


[size=9]*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.[/size]

2
The RhyDin Post / Three Year Long Hangover: This Week In Review!
« on: March 04, 2017, 10:20:41 PM »

[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Three Year Long Hangover: The Week in Review!
March 4, 2017

RhyDin? I have seen things.

In the three years since I?ve written for the Post, there are some things I have seen which I will not disclose. I will not disclose where I?ve been or what I?ve been forced to work on (but let?s just say Dragonhood Maternity Magazine does not appreciate my cattiness). I will not disclose what my coworkers were debased to (hint: lubricant ads, and not the good kind), and I will not mention how we?re paying for this right now (bitcoin is universal, turns out). But I will tell you one thing RhyDin? You will never know how good you had it until you lost it. You will never appreciate the warmth of the Red Dragon Inn Hearth until you are huddled for heat crying over the last dying Rena Cronin candle because you re-gifted the last hundred because she basically gave them out for free. You will never appreciate that free booze or lack of a tab until you find out the vodka you?ve been drinking is really just antiseptic from the clinic dumpster next door but darn it if it hasn?t been the best thing you?ve had in months. You never experienced desperation. Not until you find your coworker locked in a closet rocking back and forth, singing ?Matt Smith Will Fight for Me? to the tune of ?One Day My Prince Will Come.?

I have seen things. I have attempted to crush a mutant roach in one of the ?temp? buildings they put us in with a fossilized biscuit I once got from Mira?s cigar cart. It only smiled, did a dance, and walked away.

I may be back, RhyDin. But daaaaaaaayum what the hell happened to the party after I left?!  

So from what I hear, brother bodybuilder (fifty credits says I can outbench him, though) Jochin and favorite blonde Duci have been long time splitzo. Have some patience with me, RhyDin, as I?m still playing catch-up. HOWEVER. This makes couple number three that was featured in publication competitor Nexus Weekly that has done poorly. That does it, folks. That magazine is cursed. If you are or ever were featured in it, you are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY. So stop buying them immediately and burn all your current copies. Yes, even the ones we published. And don?t buy any more until we own the magazine again. Anyway. Duci and Jochin must have parted ways amicably, because she was spotted in good sorts and Jochin was spotted chatting about the RhyDin dating scene with someone our sources needed a universal translator for. First impressions of this (Slavic? European? Whatever) chick are promising. She?s quite pretty and seems like she has a short temper. Short tempers make for good gossip. Keep an eye on this one.

Speaking of catch-up, thanks to Jochin, (who was nice enough to take a break during crunches to make a few introductions) we caught wind of a few new names hanging round the ?ol Red Dragon. Some guy named Schmidt (shameless plug: Knuckle Garage owner) was spotted chatting up cars with Kitten Killer?s gal. Gasp! Kitten Killer has a gal? OK, OK. To her credit, Nayun seems much more amiable than she once was, but we still find it hard to believe that you could ever even think about having fun with that stick in the mud. More power to her. Lisa, our sources say her name is, apparently met Nayun at a date auction and they?ve been going strong ever since. She seems to have the stronger personality, but at the same time Nayun?s made string cheese of one or two people in her life. Makes you wonder who wears the pants in the relationship. Whoever writes me the angry letter first gets the title. GO!

All I?m saying is thank GOD Thorn was there to class up the place. I like cars as much as the next guy, but between Jochin?s ego and Schmidt?s shop talk, I half expected them to rip off their shirts and compare abs.

Someone else named Ed shouted his name all over the inn at one point. Don?t you know that the way you?re supposed to grab someone?s attention is by being dark and mysterious? CoughMestenocoughcough. We can?t complain, though, because the way he was allllll over that other guy really reminds us of how great Scotty and Harold got along once upon a time (without the tongue action. Seriously). Remember Scotty and Harold? No? Am I that old? Tell me I'm still handsome. Be cute all you want, Ed, you will never achieve that greatness. Our optimism for couples died when Scotty and Harold moved away. THEY WILL NEVER BE REPLACED.

Crispin and Taneth were looking awful adorbs in the Annex recently! He certainly lit up when our second favorite blonde (we are willing to reconsider this rank if we get presents) dove into his arms, but not soon after reverted to quiet (and apparently uncomfortable) contemplation. This is what happens when you hang around duels. I don?t know if it?s the chaos and carnage or the boooooredom, but one thing I know is all it takes is time. One day you?re Koy Simon and the next day you?re Rachael Blackthorne. Soul. Gone. Puke. Get out while you still can, Cris.

That?s all I have for you right now, RhyDin. As the Post is still looking more permanent facilities, I will only be accepting bribes in the form of snacks and liquor (top shelf, please. I may be homeless, but I?m not a peasant). Hit us up with any gossip, and let us know about your lives (only if they?re interesting)!

Until next time, you stay sassy RhyDin!

3
The RhyDin Post / Overlord Challenge: Blockman vs. Le Fay, August 21
« on: August 24, 2014, 09:56:39 PM »
RhyDin Sports


[size=9]Sports Columnist: Peter Pham[/size]

Overlord Challenge: Blockman vs. Le Fay, August 21
August 24, 2014

Attention RhyDin:

Recorded copies of the Dockside Challenge between Gren Blockman and Morgan le Fay are now available for purchase at the RhyDin Post for eight dollars or five copper. Please make check or money orders payable to the Post, and include your name and mailing address on the request form. Footage is available in dvd or holodisk form, and includes commentary by everyone's favorite Sports Guy Peter Pham, and new commentator Andrew Renfield. Shipping and handling fees not included in price of purchase.

4
The RhyDin Post / Suspects Still Sought in Home Invasion, Assault
« on: July 22, 2014, 06:54:58 AM »

[size=9]Senior Columnist: Madu Adeniji[/size]

Suspects Still Sought in Home Invasion, Assault
July 22, 2014

RHYDIN, R.D. --- Police continue to search today for the suspect in an assault investigation that left one man hospitalized in critical condition.

The RhyDin Watch were called by a friend to the victim?s home east of RhyDin city just after 9:00 PM, where the victim was found wounded in the closet of his home.

The victim, identified by Kyle Wasek as Deacon Wrath, former member of the RhyDin Worgs Hockey Team and interim CEO of Toulson Global, was allegedly assaulted in his home with a sharp object by an unknown assailant. Though there was no evidence of forced entry, witnesses report hearing a gunshot just prior to authorities? arrival on the scene, where Wrath was found unconscious with a deep laceration to the neck.

No weapon was found at the scene.

?We?re just lucky we got there when we did,? Austin Palmer, Precinct 11 Watch sergeant told the Post. ?We were able to secure the perimeter in a matter of minutes, and once I personally made certain the victim was out of present danger, I was able to stabilize him until the EMS arrived.?

The victim was escorted to RhyDin General in critical condition. He has since been released, and is presently recovering at home.

Wrath?s girlfriend, Caitlin Ross, was also on the scene when the assault took place. According to sources and several second-hand accounts, she and Wrath have had a tumultuous relationship, and had been arguing that night. Authorities confirm Ross has not been taken into custody.

?Right now, we?re not sure exactly who or what did this,? Palmer said. ?But I can assure you that we are currently investigating many possibilities. What?s important is the victim is safe and alive, all thanks to the prompt response by the RhyDin Watch. If I hadn?t been there when I was, he would have bled out then and there.?

Added Palmer: ?We?re just glad we could do our job.?

Precinct 11 is currently heading the investigation. Anyone with any information is urged to contact the RhyDin Watch tips hotline.


[size=9][[Tied to SL's "From Bad to Worse" and "Of Men and Ghosts" with players' permission. Thank you!]][/size]

5
Memories and Other Dances / Clean Slate (NSFW)
« on: July 11, 2014, 09:16:45 PM »
It was eight o'clock in the evening, and Darien was drinking water.

By all rights, they should have been on their fourth round at that point. Over a pair of signature vodka martinis, the niceties of the interview would have been observed. The usual 'who are you,' 'tell me about your company and ethics' blather would be made bearable by Grey Goose (and a twist of lemon, because that is apparently what it takes to make a martini ... signature?).  It was the same, regurgitated bollocks that had been uttered a thousand times by a thousand men in the same position. But that would pass swiftly, and upon reaching the heartfelt anecdote about a young boy's struggle to make his dream become a reality, the next martinis would arrive, remarkably stronger than the first thanks to the fifty slipped to the bartender earlier on the way to the loo.  Then, while they were both still somewhat coherent, the all-impressive Hirsch reserve would roll out, and by the time they finally downgraded to Johnnie Walker, they would be best blokes, and Darien would need pockets full of cassettes to record every company secret that was being blurted his way.

It was a delicate process, and one the journo had long since perfected.

Instead, that night Darien resigned himself to staring ruefully at the last sliver of ice in his glass, contemplating whether it would make his gums bleed if he bit down on it hard enough. Two hours. Two hours, and the self-important tosser had not shut up about his 'groundbreaking' virtual reality goggles. For two hours, Darien had listened to the same half-assed technical word vomit two competing Terran publications had printed out weeks ago. And they were still drinking water, because if the client wasn't drinking, etiquette required that neither did anyone else at the table.

If the bastard ordered crab cakes, Darien was walking out.

The man beckoned over a passing waiter with a thoughtful wave. After conferring with the mute brunette beauty beside him, the engineering prodigy smiled, handing the waiter a menu. "Crab cakes?" he requested.

God ****ing damn it.

"And for you sir?" the waiter asked.

"Thanks, but water's fine." No it wasn't. At that point, Darien was nearly crying with boredom. If he had to sit through one more second of that inane drivel, someone's head was going through a table.

"Excuse me." With a push, Darien edged back from the table and headed for the Gents. As he passed, the noisy kitchen birthed intoxicating aromas of seared filets, port wine reductions, roasted while mushrooms, and signature onion-topped garlic potatoes au gratin with aged white cheddar. Burning, frosted sconces guided him through the oaky railcar d'cor, around glossy, chest-high booths brass buttoned with plum-colored leather, polished to a mirror shine. He paused briefly as a trio of businessmen slid out in front of him and laughingly headed toward the piano bar, not one turn away from the thick swing of a door that led to the men's, blissfully empty. In the stall, he closed the door behind him, deftly rolled a fifty, and with a credit card from his wallet quickly chopped out a white line from the half-empty bag in his pocket. Leaning into the powder, he snorted and waited for the fireworks behind his eyes to subside. A second nose-up might have been an even better idea, if he wasn't convinced the chang would collide with the useless chunder he'd listened to for the past two hours and make his head explode.

**** it. Rerolling the note, he bent over again.

The secrecy was purely for the client's sake, of course. Moreau's, which incidentally also had a location back in RhyDin, was the type of place where you could line one out on the dinner table and no one would so much as turn his head. But impressions were impressions, and until Fenner got word from Michael Twert back in RhyDin, he was stuck in the Terran RhyDin Post offices, and was forced to be on his best behavior.

Unfurling the fifty, the journo went to the mirror and surveyed the damage. Neatly groomed and kept though he was, that second line of coke left him so geeked up his reflection looked ****ing insane. He'd need a few shots of something if he planned on returning to the interview human.

It didn't take long to reach the bar, and though every stool was full, it was Darien the bartender saw to first. Either he'd recognized Darien, or he'd recognized the look he was giving off, and without so much as a request, the journo suddenly had a double of whiskey poured in front of him. Darien struggled to commit the tender's face to memory in order to offer his gratitude later, but at that point he was so amped he could feel his teeth vibrating. A mental note would have to do.

In the two seconds that it took for someone to sidle up next to him, his glass was empty and on the bar, awaiting a refill.

"Oh my Christ," the brunette beside him breathed. It was the assistant from the table. She was thin ... fit ... and clearly not an assistant. Assistants and wives came to lunch. Whores and mistresses were reserved for dinner. "I thought he'd never shut up."

Darien smirked. "Drink?"

"Yes, thank god," the brunette ... Rebecca? Robin? Ruth? - breathed, tousling her thick, chocolate waves in exasperation. "A double, preferably."

"Trouble with th'boss?" the journo inquired innocuously, pointing the bartender at a half-full bottle of Glenlivet lined up next to the antique mirror on the other side.

Ri? Ru? the brunette fished a tube of lipstick from her clutch, its bright red application making her returning smirk that much racier. "Why do you care?" she replied, taking the scotch from the bartender and swallowing half of it before he even managed to set it down.

"I don't," the journo shot back, tapping his fresh glass against hers near-posthumously, "but that doesn't mean I'm not interested."

The dame's blue-green eyes slanted mischievously as she swallowed the other generous half of her scotch. "Well," she cleared her throat, wiping the ruby crescent from the rim of her glass with a cocktail napkin. "You got a place near here?"

That was quick. "Nn." He scratched at the stubble on his chin. "But I'm leavin' in'th mornin'," he lied. Attachments were dangerous things.

"Well then. We may have to visit that interest you mentioned," she teased, pursing her lips. "But right now I have to use the ladies' room."

An over-the-shoulder jerk of Darien's head both sent her in the right direction, and gave the journo opportunity to ensure she, her six-inch heels, and terrific, heart-shaped ass made it there with no complications.

Giving her an 8 was definitely unfair. But then he still preferred redheads.

6
The RhyDin Post / Make it Out to "Cash": This Week In Review!
« on: July 11, 2014, 05:39:21 PM »

[size=9]Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane[/size]

Make it Out to "Cash": This Week In Review!
July 11, 2014

OK, RhyDin. Allow me to clarify something right here, right now. Clean slate! Get the record straight! Dust the rug with a stiff cat carcass, so to speak.  There has been a rumor going around, in the past few months, that the reason your favorite Emmet hasn?t been around and writing up a storm (more than storm? TSUNAMI!) is because he, ah, happened to be holding out for more money. So to speak. Allegedly.

Well YOU KNOW WHAT, RhyDin? The city is an expensive place. Not everyone can afford to flush money down their money toilets in their money mansions wallpapered with more money. And can I help it if I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle?  For the longest time, I was forced to supplement my income by selling Chase Dawson?s designer shoes on Krogslist. And can I help it if she suddenly wised up and stopped keeping them here at the office? What else am I supposed to sell? The only other person here with that kind of fashion sense is me, and I need my shirts to come in every color!

I have NEEDS, RhyDin. If I can?t have my own gym and personal trainer, then the entire city suffers. Believe me.

Regardless, I am back. Feel free to shower me with gifts and praise at the usual address.

And what have I come back to?! Love of my life Gigi Granger is nowhere to be found. Where are you, you sexy she-devil, you? Instead, all we are left with is dueling dame Melanie Rostol, who has an uncanny habit of flip-flopping between bloodthirstily vicious and fairly drool-worthy. You know. Gigi Granger Lite?. Though more recently, when she?s not chatting it up with the delightfully crooked Drow From Another Bough Cianan, she tends to have a bit of a glaze-eyed look, like she?s been staring at the sun a bit too long. One too many crushing blows to the head will do that to you, we think. Maybe certain folks should give dueling a rest and do what the rest of us do: drink yourself into oblivion until whatever Khoom is makes sense. Moving on.

Well, Tommy is back in town. We?re not really sure how else to address that, other than issuing it as a statement of fact. Basically everything that Tommy is is what RhyDin happens to be. Taneth caught up with him a week or so ago with her characteristic glee. Honestly, we think she?d ensnare Anubis Karos in a hug-fest if she had the opportunity, which we suppose is part of her charm. From what we hear, she is also learning to shoot, but can?t stand the sight of dead things. That girl is resilient, we?ll say that much. Just goes to show you don?t need to be a dead-eyed murderer to survive in this town. Usually the oblivious ones end up having the best time.

So apparently dark and brooding Salvador is no longer dark and brooding. Though Sinjin hasn?t been seen around for quite some time now, Sal has been pretty much a constant presence in the Inn. There doesn?t seem to be a need for any heavy drinking, though, as our formerly favorite foreigner seems to have found solace in the arms of several men and women ? most consistently Rei and Thorn, who happen to be of the same general type as Sal. That is, easy on the eyes (yes, I am confident enough to admit it), but pissing them off is pretty much the last thing you?d want to do. Which is pretty ironic, considering virtually all of Salvador?s relationships ignite out of rage and chaos. Those two (in addition to old pals like Skid and Cianan) must be doing some good, though, because more often than not, Sal has seemed? gulp? happy. As in, smiling and waving to people happy. What is this sorcery? Sal doesn?t wave. It upsets and unnerves us, and we don?t like it. I have only two words to say about Smiley Sal: BOO. Bo. Ring. Okay, three.

Now theeeere is a face we rarely see in ye olde RDI! Apparently some of our sources caught a glimpse of Kruger with the tasty, tasty Peaches hearthside. The topic of their conversation couldn?t be heard from our, ah, secret vantage point that we refuse to disclose (or clean, for that matter), but from what we saw Kruger did not look happy at all. Even Peaches, who we find can warm up to just about anyone seemed to be having some difficulty cheering him up. Well, we suppose it?s already a red flag when he?s somewhere out of his element. Clearly there are some elements askew there.

Noted: You?ll all be happy to know the Helstons are doing just dandy. But realistically, that should never, ever come as a surprise. All of RhyDin could blow up, the universe could end, and the Helstons and Skid would still be standing there in the vast emptiness buffing their claws. INDESTRUCTIBLE. We love it.

Drumroll please! This past week?s OMG Moment comes in the form of the spotting of sooo many oldies but goodies! Apparently, Sid?s S.O. Scottie (who now goes by ?Jack,? we?re told) is out and about, and making mischief (or being a victim of it) just about every chance he gets (Hint: Benjamin). Nevertheless, he was treated with warm welcomes all around, including one by none other than our favorite Gem, who we have no doubt has been getting into mischief of her own. Come on. It?s Gem. You don?t get to be that short and not be up to no good. But the sighting that blew us away, quite literally, had to have been, wait for it, WYHEREE! Oh, Wyh! WYH have you been gone so long? Wyherrrrr have you been? We think we?re going to go to the nearest Ice Bar and order a Snow Queen, and if people ask WYH or question our masculinity, we will promptly punch them in the mouth and say WYH not?

A couple of the gossip hooligans here at the Post are thinking about throwing an icy, snowsicle Yule in July sometime soon, and if anyone can help, we?re willing to bet it?s that woman. Our people will call your people!

For those who are still keeping track, you?ll be happy to know that whatever drama (and bad blood, but not in the way you might think) that has been unfolding lately between Serah, Lenore, and He of the Empty Threats has settled (for now), thanks to some intellectually stunted man named Morgan. Normally we?d just call him emotionally stunted, but the mere fact that he got himself involved in that business reveals that there are a few loose things rolling around upstairs. Don?t get us wrong. Beltane Queen Serah is sweet and bubbly and everything a Beltane Queen should be. But something about her habits just gives us this nagging feeling that sooner or later she is going to be upgraded to utterly batty in our book. We await that day on bated breath. In the mean time, we have to wonder if Lenore is into intellectually stunted men, because she and Morgan have been seen an awful lot together lately. Well, can you blame her? At least half of RhyDin?s population is made up of dummies we wouldn?t trust with a roll of cellophane (present company excluded). Limited choices, and all that.

In terms of baby news, we hear Eregor and Rhiannon are expecting their first, and refuse to tell us if it?s a boy or a girl. Yeah, yeah, do the surprise thing, whatever. Clearly you only want gender-neutral crud at your baby shower. You want boring, yellow linens or generic squeaky toys? The heck with it. Everyone just bring them booze ? everyone knows that?s what a new parent needs.

And ye GASP! Yes, we heard the news about our favorite Simon! No, not Matt. But we suppose we?re now forced to congratulate him by extension. Back in May, he and Koy celebrated the birth of their son, Malachite. That kid is going to grow up to break hearts and skulls all over this place. We have just one bone to pick with them, though. Where are our pictures?! We demand exclusives, and don?t go selling them to that racket of a tabloid Nexus Weekly. This is hard-hitting journalism, this is, and if we don?t get some soon, we?ll resort to drastic measures. Do they want us taking pictures through their windows again? Because that?s what?ll happen. Do us a favor, though. Don?t sic the dogs on us this time. Intern Jimmy hasn?t been able to walk right since that happened the second time.

There is SO much more to include, but your favorite Bane has more fanmail replies to pawn off to the interns. Until next time, you stay sassy!

7
The RhyDin Post / [OOC Poll: July]
« on: July 06, 2014, 09:37:36 PM »
[Good information to know, in terms of upkeep! Thanks for your time and attention, everyone!]

8
The RhyDin Post / The Buzz
« on: July 06, 2014, 08:47:08 PM »

[size=9]Blog Journalist: Henry Devine[/size]

Got some cyber-gossip? Heard something hilarious on the extranet? Upload the transcript of Tara's latest spiel onto your blog? Need somewhere to rant about Tormay de-friending you?

The Post wants to hear about it! Write us with all your glorified details, and contribute to The Buzz!



[size=9][[Send me a PM if you would like to contribute to this thread! Thank you!]][/size]

9
The RhyDin Post / Crazy Camby's Conspiracy Column
« on: July 05, 2014, 11:42:21 AM »

[size=9]Blogger: Camby Colson[/size]

Nobody Cares for the Carrots Anymore
July 5, 2014

You think you know the way of the world? Buckle up, RhyDin. But you better not be using those generic buckles allocated through the local government, because those are the nickel-plated ones conscripted through Alpha Xi Nine, a subsector of the Thiruvian provence that specializes in the exportation of dermatitis ointments. What you need is to get you some rope, and tether yourself to your vehicle with good, old-fashioned ace-wrap ? the kind that saved Jake Thrash?s knee back in ?08. For the love of the Star Kin, don?t tie yourself to an AUTOmotive, though. And none of those four-legged creatures, neither. They intercept RASG transmissions through their teeth and contaminate our water supply with radiation.

Oh, and how they say carrots are the cure, but you know WHAT? Guess WHO grows the carrots in our city?! You guessed it. Supremacist dragons, who continue to lie in wait for their mothership to return and activate a beta-carotene transferal agent that robs us of our theta waves and turns us into drones. Mindless drones. DRONES, I TELL YOU.

Sheridan Driscol had the right idea when he fled Matt Simon?s apathy rays. Had them installed into the governor?s office, Simon did. Surest way to ensure his reelection. They emit pulses every other term, but at a frequency only high enough for musically inclined humanoids to discern. Driscol?s got some elf in him, which was why he was more susceptible and had to recover deep underground in RhyDin?s hollow core with the reptilians. As I understand it, he has known them ever since he arrived in RhyDin. They taught him to shed his skin, which is perhaps why he does not age conventionally like we do.

They?ve got it all wrong on him, you see. The gossip is all wrong. I have him figured out. They say Sheridan Driscol is engaged to some guy named Icarus. But they have it backwards. Icarus is ENGAGED. Project Icarus, that is. Project Icarus is engaged, and it?s a secret plot to overthrow Matt Simon?s pervasive radionetwork that monitors all of RhyDin?s communications. Have you ever seen Icarus? No. Icarus is a keyword.

Come on, people. Use your heads.

Next thing you?ll tell me, Michi isn?t really the cherubim heralding a golden age. Then ask yourselves this, RhyDin. Why are elections late this year? WHY ARE ELECTIONS LATE?

Keep your eyes peeled!

10
The RhyDin Post / Misdistribution of Criticism
« on: July 03, 2014, 04:05:29 PM »

[size=9]Senior Columnist: Alexis Laurent[/size]

Misdistribution of Criticism: Idolizing the Moral Foundation that Isn?t
July 3, 2014

Fact: There is no such thing as a RhyDinian feminist.

I can say this with absolutely no suspicion to the contrary. Feminism is itself the act of advocating for the rights of women on the grounds of social, economic, and political equality to men. But while women in RhyDin have been compared as vastly unequal to their male counterparts for the better half of a decade (or as far as my research has taken me), it may not be in precisely the way you think. More accurately, it may be argued that women have no grounds for comparison at all to the opposite gender, for one reason, and one reason only: women in RhyDin are ignored.

This is not to say women do not have the capacity to be the center of attention. Beltane and its annual Queen-crowning is one of the most anticipated festivals of the year, and Jewell Ravenlock doubtlessly received more nominations for this year?s position than Waterhouse Accounting has received in the last four gubernatorial elections. As far as image goes, Koyliak VanDuran-Simon and Elessaria DeVabriel remain ever RhyDin?s favorite treat for the eyes. The action-oriented Morgan le Fay and Ellisa Morgan are both considered excellent pillars of strength in the dueling community. And of course, one needs only to click on the radio to have one?s opinion handed to them (or screamed and cursed to them) by the predictably unpredictable Seirichi.

Even so, I can count on one hand how many women I respect in RhyDin, and none of them are included.

These women, while noteworthy, are not memorable. For while they offer much in the way of words, they offer little in the way of impact or change for the city. These are women like Fionna Helston, who, for all her arguably groundless public praise as one of RhyDin?s best governors, did little else but hold monthly chats about nothing, offering little to RhyDin as a whole even when it was clamoring for it.  

And then there was Scathach.

?Scathach is the goddess of war,? Isuelt DeRomiano told the Post in an interview recently. ?She champions the people, defends the defenseless and aids the oppressed.  Her warriors are? molded in her likeness, so to speak? Scathachians are not supernatural, nor do we boast magical abilities.  We are simply women who want to make a difference in this world to help those who cannot help themselves.  Think of us as righters of the odds.?  

Bring us your tired, your poor, and permit us to bury poverty with a pummeling of fists. But how many do-good vigilante ?righters? in RhyDin have come and left? If righters left, what?s left is wrong ? by which we mean the whole gigantic catastrophe that is this city, nigh impossible to correct.  But that, apparently, will not stop them from trying.

?The innocent is who we seek to aid,? continued DeRomiano. ?Those who are taken advantage of, those that are powerless to stand up to their bullies, their oppressors. We want to save them from the bad guys.?

For all it stands for, the Scathachian order seems to be exactly what RhyDin needs: selfless, strong, and willing. Then again, perhaps it is unfair of its spokesperson to be putting morality in a box when her beginnings before RhyDin were anything but black and white. According to second- and third-hand accounts recovered from citizens there, DeRomiano?s stint in the land of Lorquis - where she lived before RhyDin - involved shady, criminal dealings pervasive enough that most Metro City folk begrudgingly refused to comment. Moreover, her association with Scorpion Wraitharan, whose name brings wariness even here in RhyDin, was verbally and unapologetically confirmed. This is the kind of woman we trust the protection of the less fortunate to?

It would be ? and is ? easy to tear down the Scathachian image because of that. One could question the overall morality of the order itself, the dedication of its members, the quality of their integrity, or the effeteness of their efforts. But heroes are not forged in daylight; they are forged in darkness.

Isuelt DeRomiano is anything but a hero, but the acknowledgment of her past and of her own mortality and fallibility embodies more forward action than twenty women in RhyDin combined. And while the Scathachian order is flawed and not quite the moral foundation it claims to be, occasionally a wanderer in RhyDin will find himself with a new roof over his head. While that will never be a form of pardon, it is as much being done for a people that has nothing else. It is a disappointing assessment, to be sure.

?The title of ?champion? or ?hero? isn't always a good thing.  It makes you a target? It's a lonely life, I guess.  Self-isolating.  It's a way to protect those you love.  To never say it, to never really show it.  Lest they become a target too.  ? [But] RhyDin needs its heroes.  There are far too many people willing to do her ill? To 'sell you' on the Scathachian Order, I have only to tell you that we are not going anywhere.  And we've been in service to the people here, totally... freely... willingly, for years.?

As every group of the sort before them doomed itself to dissolution out of frustration or apathy, the permanence of the Scathach order remains to be seen. For now, I will leave my respect with the men.

At the very least, it will keep the feminists out of RhyDin.

11
The RhyDin Post / We Went There Vol. 7
« on: January 07, 2014, 09:40:29 PM »

[size=9]Junior Columnist: Nima Singh[/size]
January 7, 2014


[size=18]Yeah: We Went There[/size]
A semi-regular survey of just about everything.


Got a question on your mind? Feel like asking RhyDin?

Afraid to go there?

We aren't. So let us know!

12
The RhyDin Post / The Contention Corner: Dispute, Discuss, and Debate
« on: December 17, 2013, 01:07:57 PM »

[size=9]Senior Columnist: Mitchell Wrieze[/size]

Duel to the Death
December 17, 2013

Let me preface this article by saying that I have never dueled in RhyDin, nor do I ever plan to in the future.

I respect the art of dueling. I do not use the word art lightly, either; there are most certainly some in RhyDin who would disagree with me on that observation given the sport?s premise, but an institution of its caliber doubtlessly garners respect for a multitude of reasons. Dueling in RhyDin has been around for as long as it has largely due to its massive fan base. For as long as duelists  come back for more, there will always be fresh blood on the floors of the Outback.

I respect dueling. I appreciate it. I understand that RhyDinians crave an outlet, and hand-to-hand competition will always be a respectable method to gauge oneself against the greater forces inside and outside this realm. However, there are certain lines that we as a people ? fighters and non-fighters ? must recognize if we are to carry on this history, especially when it comes to allowable or acceptable violence. And more and more frequently, those lines have become blurred.

In a sport such as the Duel of Fists, where a sound kick from Koyliak VanDuran-Simon will crack a man?s skull loudly enough to be heard ringside, exactly what kind of violence is considered ?excessive??

Though having taken place in November, the FireStar challenge between Vanion Shadowcast and Melanie Rostol is still being talked about. As far as the Post has learned no publicly accessible recordings exist of the two matches that have generated so much controversy, and perhaps thankfully so. While the lack of hard evidence leaves naught but eyewitness reports for clarification, descriptions in those reports suggest firsthand images may be hard to stomach. According to some, Shadowcast (the Opal holder) allegedly displayed a number of previously recorded images of individuals being physically tortured in order to intimidate Rostol (the challenger) during the matches.

?Melanie challenged me for FireStar, and then dared to act as though I were this vile thing,? Shadowcast told the Post recently. ?She acted as though she would be doing a favor to the citizens of the city to take my title. I wanted to prove two things in my challenge. One, Melanie is still a rookie. She doesn't have the skills to back up her mouth. And two, Melanie is a murderer without remorse, the same as I. She didn't flinch as her own people burned alive. She even said she wished that she could kill them herself, for being weak. She's not some champion of the people. I think that I proved that.?

Is this the mentality that has become generally accepted? Previously recorded or not, the act itself is damaging ? to both the challenger and the Outback?s image itself.

?It's a sad state of affairs when someone can commit murders just for the sake of a psychological edge in a challenge match and not? feel any repercussions from it?? G?nort Dragoon-Talanador expressed via a telephone interview. ?I mean think of it. A guy kills ten people just so he can try using that against his challenger, and everyone's okay with this? I say 'Something should be done on an official level,' since that act was done due to an Opal challenge, and everyone thinks that's crazy. They say 'Challenge and take it from him if you want to do anything about it.' Okay, that makes no sense. Will taking his Opal stop him from killing others for the sake of an Opal challenge? No. However, you strip his title from him, and ban him from fighting in the Outback or gain official duels for like, 6 months, and I guaran-damn-tee you that he won't be killing anyone again. At least not in regards to any challenges anywhere."

In response to the FireStar debacle, Matthew Simon released a statement condemning Shadowcast for his actions, but conceding that because the crimes were not committed within the boundaries of the Outback, he was unable as sport coordinator to strip Shadowcast of his rank or Opal.

Let it be known: Kill a man on the doorstep to the Outback, and so long as his blood does not hit Simon?s floorboards, he is not held responsible.

For so longstanding a tradition that dueling is, it is remarkably concerning that incidents like this still occur. Because strength is respected, does it follow that greater expressions of violence are thusly venerated?

?RhyDin worships its stars, and treats them like royalty,? Shadowcast went on to say. ?While I find that amusing, sometimes, dueling by its very nature is limiting. Most of the fighters in this city have little true power, outside of their skill at a sport. Teams like The Wrecking Crew are regarded with reverence that I find very strange. I could turn Maria Graziano's guts inside out with the blink of my eye.?

Where do we draw the line between acceptable and excessive violence? Is every deplorable act such as this to be ignored? What will it take for stricter rules to be enforced within the duels, with women and children ringside? And perhaps most importantly, what sort of precedent are we setting for future generations?

The fact is simple: If this sport is to continue, something has to change.

13
The RhyDin Post / Observatory Complex Open for Business!
« on: December 14, 2013, 03:37:13 PM »

[size=9]Columnist: Ashley Weatherl[/size]

Observatory Complex Open for Business!
December 14, 2013

For those of us who don?t happen to have a shuttle or stolen military-grade RASG aircraft parked in their garage at home, space must seem far away. Fortunately, a select group of RhyDinians this season are trying to change that.

Owner and operator of Harker?s Academy in Old Temple and PR Representative for Harker and Hall Architecture Rhiannon Harker has been hard at work since October of last year in fulfilling her annual community quota with one mammoth of a project: The RhyDin Observatory Complex and Botanical Gardens. Currently located behind the administration building of Ravensheart Academy (which can be accessed through a dimensional gate in the Old Town district), the undertaking was reportedly a public decision that was reached during Fionna Helston?s governorship, winning out over other public works ideas such as community vegetable plots or skate parks.

?It's been quite an experience to see the project grow from the poll to drawings to reality,? Harker told the Post. ?It's become what we hope will be a place to provide an entertaining and educational experience for all ages.?

According to Harker, the project?s hasty construction ? from paper to pillars and poured concrete in a little over a year ? can be attributed to corporate sponsorship and the RASG?s generous contributions. In accordance with the observatory?s architectural design, state-of-the-art telescopes were installed at roof level and painstakingly built around using weather and magic-resistant panes, allowing for a clearer, more accurate view of RhyDin?s constellations than ever before.

?Matt Simon and the RhyDin Air and Space Guard have been a great help,? Harker said. ?Building the [lower levels] was the easy part according to the work crews. The conservatory for the Botanical Garden presented a few problems with the roof structure, too. There were several delays as safety is a paramount concern. It took quite a while to find material to withstand both weather, magic, and other potential RhyDinian hazards.?

With lavish investments like a full service caf?, swimming, dance, and general arts classrooms, a lecture hall, and two planetarium theaters, it is no wonder the grounds have been enchanted with enough wards to withstand an atomic bomb. Setbacks aside, The Observatory Complex and Botanical Gardens have been undergoing round-the-clock maintenance and security checks in preparation for their simultaneous grand openings at the Governor?s Yule Ball tonight. Though the grounds are officially closed to the public until 9PM RST, bright holiday lights can already been seen from miles away, transforming the multifunctional plot of land into a glamorous star all on its own.  And that is exactly what the project promises to be, if Harker?s people have their way.

?What I hope is that the Observatory will be a place where citizens of all ages are able to come together as a community and share common goals. It's meant to be a place to learn and develop skills as well as to relax. It's my hope that the classes and activities there will open the doorway to bettering lives and fostering a better understanding of our fellow citizens.?

Community quota: Check! See it for yourself at the Yule Ball tonight. Doors open at 9PM RST.

[size=9][[See Community Events for more information.]][/size]

14
The RhyDin Post / We Went There Vol. 6
« on: December 03, 2013, 06:54:16 PM »

[size=9]Junior Columnist: Nima Singh[/size]
December 3, 2013


[size=18]Yeah: We Went There[/size]
A semi-regular survey of just about everything.


Got a question on your mind? Feel like asking RhyDin?

Afraid to go there?

We aren't. So let us know!

15
The RhyDin Post / RhyDinians Engage in Mass Genocide, Feast
« on: November 28, 2013, 05:59:16 PM »

[size=9]Amelia Enderwood: Satirist[/size]

RhyDinians Engage in Regional Mass Genocide, Carcass-Stuffing and Cannibalizing Feast
November 28, 2013

*According to alarming reports from the RhyDin Watch, more than 100,000 helpless flying beasts have died so far this month from senselessly ongoing genocidal slaughter across the nation of RhyDin.

?New Haven, Stars End, and outlying RhyDin districts are some of the hardest hit populations,? says Watch captain Richard Dougharty of the escalating fowl decimation, ?and we suspect the devastation will only grow in the increasing months.?

Nevertheless, Dougharty has assured the public that such heartless crime will not go unpunished.

?We are presently conducting strategic raids on suspected homes and businesses. What we have found in some of them so far has been, to be honest, appalling. I had no idea RhyDin was full of such sick and twisted people.?

As of this afternoon, the RhyDin Watch has performed approximately three-hundred sanctioned searches just within the city of RhyDin. In some cases, law enforcement officials were shocked to discover bodies of victims were being horrifically roasted and served as meals to friends and families of the suspects. Many of these crimes appear to have been premeditated, as the majority of suspects appear to have obtained the murder instruments ahead of time from local grocery and cutlery stores.



[size=9]Glenda Wilson, 64, is placed under arrest at the scene of the crime.[/size]


?I don?t think I?ve ever been so disgusted in my whole life,? Freddie Rich, cousin of one of the suspects, says. ?To think she had it in her to? to? Oh, god, she ripped out its innards and? HGGGGGUUUURRRGGGHHH!?

A statement released by the Watch this morning suggests that any RhyDinian caught in similar circumstances will be immediately put under arrest, and any homicidal paraphernalia (including instruction manuals on preparing victims? carcasses in festively appetizing fashion) will be seized.

?We will not rest until every last victim has justice,? says Dougharty. ?These turkeys may not be able to speak or communicate, but they deserve the same rights as us. Not this. No one deserves this.?

?Why!? Rich, 29, sobs. ?Oh god? Why did this happen? They were so young. So young.?

Added Rich, ?Could you pass the gravy??


[size=9]*Some facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.[/size]

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 25